As I prepare myself mentally for yet another funeral on Friday…I approach this word “simple” with a very complicated and heavy heart.
with every thing within
we fight simplicity
against hard winds
taking on storms
armed with warnings
we expose ourselves to harm
we often choose
the more difficult loves
we recoil from
the more loving touch
do we avoid
why do we welcome pain,
struggle and doubt
when simple lines
could be drawn
to easier roads
and quicker routes
in the hands of simple minds
become complicated things
in complicated times
…your proudest day to date
MY proudest day…because y’all know I thought of everyone BUT me at first. I though of Syre and my mom and even the day my dad became sober…but, I think I’ll champion myself.
I can’t pinpoint an exact day, but the DAY itself was in the making. The day I decided to take on someone else as a “manager”. I’d been making 1,000 excuses about how much I needed to get done BEFORE doing anything with my writing and even with Fancy Face…but, I quit bullshitting and started taking the bull by the horns.
I allowed a friend of mind to set me up on a self-publishing site and put my work out there as a STAND ALONE project and I’m glad I did. Not because it’s selling like hotcakes (because it’s a free download), but because it’s conditioning me for being OUT there.
I find myself encouraging, marketing, inspiring everyone else while my own talents flounder in a dry place. I’ve grown tired of the rut I’ve been in and am ready to color outside the lines. I THINK outside the lines, LOVE outside the lines, GIVE outside the lines…but, rarely had I stepped outside of those lines for my own benefit.
I’m growing prouder of myself by the day. The woman I’m becoming at 40 is something of a splendid thing to see. I know there’s going to be more proud days and I’m ready. I really am.
Did this love challenge teach you anything? If so/not…what/why?
Of course it did. I learned a lot. About myself…about the fellow challengers.
I learned a lot about the love I THOUGHT I had and the love I didn’t realize I had. I learned how perception is a MUG and how often while IN it…we don’t always see it.
I’ve learned that just when you think you’ve gotten over things, memories of pain can pull you back as if things happened in that second. I also learned that the things I thought I’d never get over have washed away with time, understanding and self-love.
I’ve learned that my girls are SO fuckin’ cool. I have a list of chicks who were SO supportive during this challenge. Throwing up my blog’s URL every chance they got…speaking of me in a beautiful light and MEANING it. We banded together and helped each other through each question. Some of us had a harder journey than the others, but we ALL were in each other’s comment sections applauding, cheering, giving e-hugs and love to support through the epiphanies, the inspirations, the beautiful moments, the relived struggles and the moments that some wanted to throw in the towel.
All I have learned is love and more love. Tolerance. Clarity. Retrospection. Forgiveness. Understanding. Reconciliation. Pleasure. Happiness. Peace…peace and love.
Again, thanks to all those who participated, read and commented.
I love you…
I really do…
…tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself!
First…THANK YOU! Thank every person who read my month of truth and showed me unending support. THANK you for inspiring, being inspired, understanding, laughing and willing to learn more about me with an open heart. This challenge was sometimes fun and sometimes it was a pain in the ass. At times I didn’t want to reveal certain things. I DO believe that some shit just ain’t meant to be disclosed to an audience of many. So, thank you. For loving me past my truth and in spite of.
Now, the letter…
I love you…more than I ever have. You’re quite the chick, you know that? You’re not too shabby…
I love that you’re growing at leaps and bounds. Owning your voice, your life, your love, your purpose. I love that you’re forgiving and nurturing…that in spite of “what others would do” you stand in the face of possible ridicule and heads shaking. “Kali, you’re better than me…” is a phrase you’ve come to embrace rather than cringe at. I mean, who wants to be known as the town pushover? No one…but, THAT is just IT…you know that it’s not about being a pushover, or gullible, or naive…it’s about owning your stride. It’s about harnessing your own power rather than give it away for another to dangle like a carrot at their whim. You GET IT! You get that life happens and that even though you may be a certain way…everyone’s not you. You get that everyone whose friend YOU are…may not be yours! You get that falling in love and being vulnerable isn’t STUPID…it’s LOVE. (I just heard Jill Scott’s “It’s Love” in my head).
I love you, girl. You’re smart but not pretentious. Fun but not a clown. Sweet but no fool. Strong but no bully. (I pretend to be but the truth is…do you). You kinda sorta maybe definitely know you’re pretty…but you’re not superficial. You know that you’re loved and yet you’re not afraid to face solitude. (LOVE my own company)
You’re humble. You’re honest. You have a child-like innocence, but you’re a realist. You don’t CARE what people say about how “inexperienced” you are because, ironically…with all people’s “experience”…they still somehow end up coming to YOU! (yea, I said that shit).
See! That right there! You’re back! You’ve grown into your spine and that’s a wonderful thing.
I’m proud of where I come from. My stock. My clan. My peoples…and I’m proud of who I am today. I know I’m God’s child and I know more than ever who he’s commissioned me to be. My legacy will not be televised…it will be told…from heart to heart…and I love that.
Love Always, from this life into the next…
**peace to this challenge and onto the next**