The Kween’s Kouch: ~Dreams Manifested~

*done on 10-29-08*

Today I did a REAL show. The first was simply a test…this was me with both feet hitting the floor. No real co-host to speak of (kinda scary). Been so used to having someone in the front seat with me…it was weird driving alone. I did pick up a few passengers though…

Howelegant stepped into the Kweendom taking a seat next to me for a bit. Mahogany Dymond and Youngcity da Boss also propped their feet up. Butterfly Effect, Fit for a King, Ebony Eyes Live (dot com), Funky Black Chick, and Curvy Queen took their seats in the chat. The show’s topic, “Dreams Manifest” was simply a question put to all the listeners. WHAT if anything did you want to be when you grew up? Do you remember what your passion was that you just couldn’t shake? How close are you to your childish dreams and desires? One of the bigger questions was if your dreams were even your own? I shared with the constituents of the Kweendom (the chat room) that I once told my mother at age 7 of wanting to be a clown. HEY! Blame it on my unending love for Mickey D’s. Ronald’s job seemed like a cool hook up! *drooling @ thought of a Big Mac*

Anyway…check out the show and see for yourself!

The Kween’s Kouch: Testing 1-2-3

Today I did a test show for my online talk show, The Kween’s Kouch. I’ve been hosting Mr. Chap’s Morning Show for several months now and with a lot of poking, prodding and encouraging…I finally caved in and set up my show. It started out as a 30 minute test and ended up being extended 30 more minutes. Mr Chap produced the switchboard while my girl Fit for a King did a little co-hosting. Butterfly Effect showed up, as did my sista Netty (Neturu), and Sunny G…a fellow BTR host. I read a poem, shared my concept of the show and Net helped me rename the chatroom. It will now and forever be known as “the Kweendom”. Fits, huh?

Take a listen…

Promises, Promises

I need answers. Someone tell me what is wrong with the men of the world? Ok, maybe not the world…but at least MY microcosm!

A lot of women are SO sick and tired of men and their promises and proposals. Wait, lemme explain. See, I know someone who has a few male friends. She’s been kicking it with them for about a year or more. A few she’s been cool with for about 2 years. They’ve always been respectful, even in the midst of flirting. Now a few of these dudes have always expressed interest in sex with her…but, she’s no hoe…so, she don’t just sleep with dudes by request. There’s gotta be some kind of bond…or at least a chemistry that can’t be ignored. Anyway…tell me why when she’s got her feelings wrapped up in someone do they all NOW want to express some interest? Is that some kind of male ego thing? Where people pursue the seemingly unobtainable? I mean a couple of these dudes have been fussing at her for putting them on the back burner for the one she loves. She’s like, nah…when you COULD’VE pursued her you chose friendship for one reason or the other. She accepted that friendship and now you want her? UGGGH!

…OR is that you want to CONQUER her? *scratching chin* See…theres always that dude who is gonna try you. He’s gonna tell you how if HE had you, he’d love you WAY better than the other dude. “You’re such an inspiration and if you were MINE, I’d cherish you and take care of you…” blah blah blah…and the drivel goes on and on.

I think its wack when some guy decides to play emotional games with someone to gain some sort of leeway with them. Making empty promises about how they’d be the better guy for you. I find it to be a weak quality. How about respect that man that has her heart. We can respect your mack if you tell the truth. Be honest and say, “Look…I wanna screw you” That way, the chick you’re talking to doesn’t begin falling for a facade, dream, oasis…all to realize they were just a challenge. You’d be surprised who is willing to have sex with you regardless of intention or circumstance. Try the truth and not some convoluted story and promise of eternal love and bliss. It’s demeaning, disrespectful and damaging to someone with fragile sensibilities.

Number ONE, guys? Get over yourselves. You’re not making some ladies’ day by flattering them to the point of sickness. Besides, you’ll only quit once you’ve captured her…and another dude will be singing your song. Two, grow the hell up…man up and find a woman on the right grounds, instead of playing hump-a-girl…ANY girl. I guess its that whole priority over option deal, huh? If you bypass a chick you really dig…its probably because she’s an option of many. You fear the whole settling thing…or you just wanna have your fun. So, when she moves on…accept that and kill the cock-blocking. Okay?

Just Thinking…

I’ve been looking at my life in overview. This year especially. 2008…8 being the number of possibilities…makes me sit in wonder of all that this year has presented me with. I fell in love this year. I wasn’t looking for it…it just happened. Truth is…I didn’t WANT it. Not after the disappointments I’d experienced…I just wanted to coast. Yet, I fell. A lot of people have not felt like it was a smart fall (what fall is smart besides a fake prat fall for comedic purposes?). A few say it was based in fantasy…and I tend to agree that in part it was. In my heart though, I’ve fallen for him based on a spiritual and mental connection. No one needs to understand that but him and I. If it works…God bless and if it doesn’t, God bless.

I’ve also come into my own in a lot of ways that I didn’t see for myself this year. I made a trip from NY to AL all on my own for the 1st time. Having severe Narcolepsy makes that a wonderful feat. I then did it again, with a shorter trip from NY to PA. Philly to be exact. Because of these trips I’ve met some cool people and made them family. That in and of itself is a beautiful thing…but, I’ve also met my inner me. I’ve become more in tuned with the person I am. Voicing my feelings on a consistent basis to who needs to hear it has been hard. I’d been a people pleaser for so long in the name of peace…that I created my own inner chaos…but, I’m learning every day to be more self-preserving.

I’ve also been more creative poetically and literally than I had in the past. I penned my 1st short erotica series and am almost finished with my first novel…a thriller. I pray that God continues to inspire me and allow me to manifest some dreams.

Throughout this year, I have found more confidence and self love than I’d ever beheld. I began loving ME…the woman at the core. Learning from past mistakes…while making more along the way for future’s reference. I came out of my shell and am not as shy as I once was. I owe a lot of that to my love. I am grateful. I don’t take much for granted. I try to be gracious and grateful for all I am blessed with. I try to be accountable for my mistakes and I try to share my lessons and jewels of knowledge with anyone willing to listen/read. I love with all I have and am. All I ever wanted was for ONE person in my life to love me and cherish me fully. Not to convenience, condition or circumstance…but embracing the full me from core to crust.

That’s another thing I’ve learned…that my philosophy on unconditional love remains the same…and I must remind myself of it. No matter WHAT I accomplish, WHERE I go, WHOM I love…to put expectations to bed. Expectations are the death of anything. Disappointments will drain you of your faith, patience and hope. If I’ve learned anything in this year…I’ve learned THAT mantra remains true.

Peace

Rambling…

I’m sitting here talking to my girl Juicy. First we’re talking about her daughter’s head of hair that rivals mine and she’s only 6. Then we got to talking about how thick her hair is WITH a perm…which lead me to a scene from one of my favorite movies. I know y’all remember The Color Purple…and the scene where Celie is combing Mister’s daughter’s hair…and she’s just-a-hollarin! Which leads to Celie getting the taste removed from her mouth after “sassing” Mister. THEN, it led me to the many movies I behold in the same category of greatness and impact on me.

What’s Love Got To Do With It, Malcolm X and Color Purple evoke emotions that vary from tears (the abuse and struggles) to laughter…to anger (back to the abuse and struggles again). I thought on how I’ve been watching these movies for so damn long…yet they still pluck the same emotional strings. Got me to thinking how we humans tend to recall the same emotions for the same things based on where we were at the time. We never seem to shake that…at least I don’t.

The same with music…no matter how old a song is, you can always recall where you were. There’s a song by Miki Howard called, “Come Home to Me” which always reminds me of the death of my aunt-in-law’s dad. It does the same for my sister.

I look at what has transpired in my year of 2008 thus far (don’t get it twisted the end is near…too fast if you ask) and I see movies, songs, places, things…that will bring about emotions in me. I will never be able to hear certain songs or watch certain shows/movies without remembering what I’ve experienced. Every time I hear “Jammin” by Bob Marley or “Southern Stuff” I will think of Alabama and my trip there with Mama to see Eb. I wont be able to see Alvin and the Chipmunks without thinking of Eb’s baby, Kennedy watching it 50-11 million times. LOL When I hear Chap’s 52 parts of “Come On” I will think of…well…CHAP. LMAO I know that I will ALWAYS think of Net when I hear “Copa Cabana” by Barry Manilow…and the miracle God gifted her this year. Not to mention how I’m gonna think of Philly everytime I chop veggies on my bamboo cutting board. (long story, lol) Songs, movies, places, things…all churning out memories and emotions.

I know this was some random shit. SO WHAT! I warned you with the title. I’m just in reflection mode today. How about you all? What would you come up with if you began reflecting on 2008? (Who says you have to wait til the end of the year to do it?)

I…

*I got this from Mahogany Dymond…looked like a good one*

I am not: anyone else

I hear: music

I regret: nothing…

I care: what people think too much

I always: think of others

I long to: find my place in the world

I feel alone: sometimes

I hide: what bothers me

I drive: myself nuts…lol

I sing: because it’s 2nd nature

I dance: for exercise

I write: round the clock

I breathe: the breath God gave

I play: online games to meditate

I miss: being held

I search: the life that belongs to me

I say: be accountable for your actions…be real

I feel: damned if i do…damned if i dont

I succeed(ed): being real all day long

I fail(ed): at a few things

I dream: of a good husband and a baby

I sleep: but I’m always awake

I wonder: about the future

I want: to contribute to society

I worry: about my loved ones

I have: the blessings of the Father

I give: til it hurts

I fight: ferociously for others

I am: a Kween

I can’t: be a pessimist

I stay: looking on the bright side

I will: be what no one could envision

I can: …period!

I would: save the world if I could

I might: just be an angel 😉

I like: cooking

I love: with all I have

I smile: because I cant help it

I frown: when I’m down

I read: what adds brain cells

I work: on me…

Hair ya go!

I am getting my hair done on Monday…and I’ve made up my mind that I’m cutting it. I just don’t know how short or in what style. I’ve had long hair for the past 12-13 years. It started when I stopped perming it in 1994. It grew like weeds. It was SO thick and long that when I decided to perm it again in 2001, I had a bad habit of rolling over on it and yanking my head in the middle of the night when attempting to get up! lol 

I remember the day I came home from my mother’s house from having it done, my ex who rarely saw the length of my hair (from me keeping it braided, twisted or ponytailed) was amazed at the length. I even had a tacky broad run her fingers through my scalp in search of tracks. *hater* HA! 

I then began cutting on it. In 2005 I dyed it blonde only for the shit to fall out (I was cutting the recommended 2 week waiting time close). Luckily for me, I have about 2-3 strands of her per shaft and what might have been someone else’s HEAD of hair, was only half of mine. I then got  about 5″ cut off in 2007 to preserve it, because it was so damaged. NOW, I’m just sick of wearing it in a ponytail. The only problem is, that long hair is safe. (For ME anyway)…I mean, you have the option to put it up when you don’t feel like being bothered, unlike short hair that needs to be maintained in it’s style. I envision an above the shoulder bob that I can style in big curls. ESPECIALLY once I dye it fiery red. I am trying to redefine my look. Last time I tried to dye red, it just didn’t take. This time I KNOW I need a FIRE engine red…AND 2 boxes! It’s on and popping! Oooooh, I can’t wait. Yall ain’t gonna be able to tell me NUFFIN!!

ode to the one

*I wrote this about a year or so ago…I felt like sharing. Enjoy*

i want…
someone who is my shelter and i his…
someone who will keep me on his mind always
i don’t have to remind him…he thinks of me 1st, him 2nd
when he sees his future…
it is me that is a constant vision replayed
to be cherished beyond all life’s physical and material bounties…
cuz having me is like striking it rich
to him, i’m like…
a hand making gingerly caresses on his face
cuz his heart hurts
or cuz mine beams with love
a kiss on the neck, when he leasts expects it
a hand on his back in the middle of the night
a reminder that i’m his backbone
warm softness in the winter
a smile to make him glow inside
a laugh that makes his being shiver with delight
cuz hearing me laugh is like Christmas morning
and when i sing to him…
its like a beacon of light…showing him home
for us…
to sit in a room without words and yet soul speak
shoot glances of eye smiles and thought kisses
be kindred and tied
share heartbeats and sighs
push others out of a room
cuz our love is deafening
hearing them but not listening
our yearnings loudly unspoken
loyalty easy as pie
each other’s flavors are all we crave
stuffed to the gills with good lovin’
we will…
assist in dreams manifested
bless our spirits
enrich one another
celebrate all that we are
everyday
always

Cash, Credit or Boobs!

**watch the boobs…enjoy the boobs** **jacking your pockets** LOL
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I took a trip to the grocery store today. No biggie. I do it all the time. Before I left the house, I picked out a shirt…ironed it…and put it on. I knew when I was ironing it, that it might give me trouble. LOL You ladies know what I mean, when the button is hanging on by a mere thread and can bust someone in the eye if you exhale to hard. So, I was reluctant to put it on…yet, I wanted to get on the road to do what I wanted. Ok, so the shirt is staying on *tug* because I’m only going food shopping *adjust*…there’s probably nothing but old men and women out at 1pm on a Monday afternoon *button pops open* *closing button*.

So, yea…it was a repeat of THAT all day. I got highly irritated at one point when I realize that my shirt had all but opened by ONE button. *QQn around for lookey lous*. Mind you this shirt once hung off of me perfectly. (Guess I need to get back on my dance routine)

So, anyway…I traipse down the frozen foods aisle. Time for some veggies. The guy is loading up the freezer and as I grab up my corn and green beans, I ask for the broccoli florets. He offers to go to the back for some. He comes back with NOT the store brand I usually buy, but the Green Giant brand. So, I say, “Nah…those are too much. Thank you anyway…” Dude says, “No, these are the same price…the SAME price..” as he picks up 2 packs and hands them to me like I have no choice. I was confused because I KNOW Green Giant is more. He says, “When you get up front, tell them Jeff from Frozen said these are 2 for 3. Shhh, don’t tell anyone else.” as he said, smiling. I said, “Cool! Thanks, Jeff!” and sashayed away (hehehe)

I got about 2 aisles over and as I *adjusted* and *tugged* and *rebuttoned*…I realized…I bought broccoli at a discount price with BOOBS! LMAOOO

What Do You Deserve?

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately and a lot of people are having the same problem. The running theme through a lot of these blogs are about situations in peoples lives or being at a point in their lives where they feel unfulfilled. I ask myself everyday if the life that I’m living is the one I deserve. I know how people say, “Oh…Well, I do THIS for people and THAT for people…so, why do I suffer?” But, the question is…do we CHOOSE to suffer? Do we find ourselves in seemingly no win situations and accept it? Or do we really have no choice (considering all options have been weighed).

Are we grounded by fear? Fear of change? Fear of loneliness? Fear of perception? Are we afraid that if we move from this spot that we’ll lose our seat? That we’ll go off in search of other things and find out that the grass wasn’t even grass…but rough Astroturf only to return to where we came from and find the spot filled. Do we fear that going off into a frontier undiscovered, that we’ll fall victim to it’s environment and fall flat on our faces?

I hear people say all of the time, that they’d rather try and potentially fail than to never try and remain a failure for sure. Venturing out and going beyond your comfort zone is supposed to be a good thing. Seeing and learning and coming into yourself is what people strive for. It’s what brings us that one step closer to God’s purpose for us…so why the fear? Again…I ask. If you (meaning people…mainly self) are afraid to move forward out of fear…what is it that you deserve?