What is it that keeps us women separated and at odds?

I’ve seen so much BS cross my path in just 2yrs. Was there any wonder that I kept my friends down to a deuce? I think that also with the rise in use of the Internet, that drama has increased 100 fold. If you think its enough of a task to stay drama free in the real world, where you meet a few people you like here and there…imagine a list of “friends” in the hundreds.

One of our biggest issues…is men. LAWD, us and men. Now, don’t get me wrong…I don’t fight FOR men or ABOUT men. I think its inane and useless. If I find that a man that I’ve been interested in or what’s more…involved with, is having relations with the next woman…HIS ass is mine. Not hers. She doesn’t owe me a thing. When in a relationship the man owes me the respect to be honest and faithful. If he isn’t, then he is the wrong party. In a lot of instances, the woman doesn’t even know that she’s just one of many. She looks up and realizes (probably when he can no longer successfully juggle the harem) that her time is every other chick’s time, too. She finally sees that his boys are really girls. His late nights working are late nights twerking it, and his low libido isn’t his being tired from work, its being tired from getting worked over. To find out that your man is lying to you, betraying you and making you look like a fool is hard, but come on sistas…put the blame where it belongs. Your MAN is at fault, and probably in some small way…so are you. Accountability demands that you look back in retrospect at your behavior, decisions and neglect of the situation and find yourself in that heap of twisted relationship. How many times did you sense he was lying, but decided to avoid it out of the desire to “keep the peace”. Whatever it was, it helped lead to a point where you and your man are having problems, so its not fair to lose it on the “mistress” because she’s an easier target. IT’S HIM! So deal with HIS ass.

NOW…this moves onto a different situation. I gotta tell you…no situation is 100% perfect. We don’t always meet people who are healthily over their exes, have NO emotional ties to other people, or have their commitment issues all worked out. We often deal with people who have “circumstances” and “personal problems”, but the end result is the same…chaos. If a man is in a situation when you meet him that is suspicious or drips with “open-ended ties” then to proceed forward can be a wrong move on your part. Especially online, I’ve seen women track a brotha’s activity on his page at a certain site and watch the ladies’ comments in order to figure out who it is he’s seeing. Who is in the #1 spot, who says the word “love” and “baby” too much. Eventually, in spite of seeing that there IS a woman who stands out, she allows herself to be reeled in and made to feel special. At times, the man will even tell her about the woman she suspects he’s close to…often making her out to be desperate, crazy…a stalker, even. On the other side, theres a woman who believed this man loved her when he said it. Committed herself to him, even though there were signs that he could be yanking her chain…so, SHE is there believing that she’s gotten thisclose to love and it escaped her. On HER end, he “got scared” or got turned off by something she said or did. Yep, dude is over there making her believe its her fault…probably because he saw YOU online and decided that what you were offering could be better…or easier. So, you’re over there feeling yourself…thinking somehow that you’re the better woman, because he’s described this other chick as a lame ass, gullible, desperado who took his “friendship” for a relationship…when, he’s been over there telling her the world is theirs to have…if only she’d let him in. Sound familiar?

Why ladies? Why do women allow men to pit us against each other? Allow us to give each other the evil eye. Plod over the next woman’s toes to get to a man. Disregard the woman he’s already with or had intentions on being with…all because he said the right things and coaxed you into believing you were different and no one compares?

Quite possibly, if we were smarter…less desperate for the attentions of a man…less petty, catty and envious of the next woman’s position…we might get it. “It” meaning…the gist of it. The lesson to be learned…that if we’re respectful of our own selves, the next woman’s position, and the basic sisterhood between us, we wouldn’t be getting thrown around in a continuous cycle of bull. You know? Abusive, superficial, dysfunctional relationships where we’re just the understudy to a leading actress. OH…you didn’t know? That most of these cycles are perpetuated because the leading man cant have the leading lady in his own fantasies? He’s been dismissed, taken for granted, dumped or just plain didn’t measure up to HER standards, so he’s looking for HER in every one of YOU! He’s taking out on YOU everything he couldn’t with her…because SHE was smart enough not to stick around once she discovered he was half-assing everything in the relationship! Perhaps if we commanded more respect with our own behavior…it would make it hard for these playas to play on. The less we’d take it…the quicker they’d get their act together, because they’d know that they have to work harder at capturing the heart of a good woman. They’d know that they couldn’t just throw together some weak game and make women lose their minds over them. Especially if sisters weren’t so quick to throw each other under the bus in order to get at them.

So…does it make sense now? Does it look like a good idea to line up in a never ending line of crap, just because some dude said the right thing? Hit the right spot? Filled the void that’s been missing? You get to play queen for a day…all to be the crazy, stalker chick in his life to the next one. Now, the sister you thought you were better than…had it all over…was nothing like…is sitting right beside you on the sidelines of love…alone.

Wanna talk about it?

Season of the Mangina: Bitchassness

I have been forced to write this. It saddens me to call out so many wet in the middle men, but you’ve asked for it. Over and over again, you did.

The whining (Why are you doing this to me?). The bitching (Whose that clown and why he on your page?). The moaning (I need you more than “them”). The temper tantrums (I hate you *insert expletive*). What in the BOILED LILLIED LIVER? Now, look…I’m not saying men can’t express themselves or be sensitive…but come on! If I hear ONE more, “I can’t commit because the one before you made me a scared beyotch” excuse…I’m gonna put you on the stroll and make your mangina work for me one way or the other. If I hear one more, “If I could be with you I would, but my circumstances are fucked up…but, don’t YOU go get nobody else because I put a claim on that and I would turn into a straight a-hole if someone else got it before I did!”. We all have things that happened to us in the past…people who stomped on our heart and best intentions and abandoned us for someone new or nothing at all. Does this mean you can’t get some ack right? Is a good woman supposed to wait by years for you to figure out that she’s the one (well, after you’ve screwed and taste-tested). Or how about the ever popular. “I need to do me”…which translates into…well, I’m doing others, too.

Does this sound like you? If it does, its ok…you don’t have to raise your hand. You can be anonymously bitchassed…just know THIS! I am about to market some Manpons for yall, so you can plug that ish up and quit being weak. There are some GOOD women out here, willing to be everything they can think of being to a good MAN, but if you’re gonna make excuses for why you’re not ready to love, why you cant get your shit together, why you cant express the full extent of your sprungocity on the woman in your soul, why you insist on trying to manipulate, test, lie, finesse and pimp your way through your adult years…dont expect the women in the building to consider you men. We ARE going to allow ourselves to be open to a man who is open to BEING a man in our lives. All this pussyfooting around as my grandmother would say, is for the birds and NOT the bizness.

I don’t know about any other women, I speak for me on THIS thing here…I love being empowered to be strong and independent. I love the idea of having a voice and being able to stand up for me and my kind, but there is a traditionalist resident inside of me, who appreciates some old-fashioned roles. I’m not used to all this “mewing” that these men seem to be doing lately. The double standard shit is getting old, too. Do not expect for a woman to accept your nagging on what she needs to fix about her, how her shit ain’t tight…and then yours is loose and willy nilly.

I hope this is just a season and not a turning of the time…because I’m gone need this bawling out of control to cease and desist.

And I’m TIDE!

An Ode to Soul Mates

I wrote this for a friend of mine, who was trying to articulate how she felt about soul mates…I offered to help…

for my friend: an ode to soul mates

ever seen a movie
where eyes meet
hands shake
and in a whirl
a lifetime is exchanged
a flashed reel of
and then a shared soul smile
…souls meeting
and mating
without words
soul mates…
your love ebbs
making his spirit flow
his eyes twinkle
with your reflection
he is the image
of your affection
not just finished sentences
chemical reactions
romantic light
and shared showers
but finished goals
spiritual interaction
inspirational light
shared silences in the midday hour
where you are light…he’s your anchor
where you lean right…she’s to the left
balance of power
give and take
not take take take
or give give give
not equal
but what each needs
to feed the love within
getting you deep
seeing what resides
in the abyss
not enamored with the idea
but in awe of the entity
that is you
loving you in spite of
because of
instead of…
with a soul’s mate
it never feels forced
its a swirl of emotions
a mental concoction
soulful melodies
not perfection
but something like it
a take it as you see it
love it or leave it
cant seem to beat it
there when you need it
too hungry to feed it
kinda love

Hope AND Love Floats

I wrote this in tears.

I wrote this in frustration.

Yesterday was a hell of a day. On some good levels and some not so good. When I say not ONE of my girls had a good day…I mean it. I don’t know if this is the “Season of Tears” or what…but, yesterday I saw my girls cry. I heard the weariness in their voices and seen them give up on love. That not only saddens me…it ANGERS me. It angers me that these ladies are looking at love as the issue. How, believing that in letting love in…they’ve allowed in pain. Oooh, if I could paddle the asses of those responsible for making my girls feel this way, I would. Line em up like frat lines and ask them who is the most splendiferous sweetest baddest mama in charge. LOL

I saw tears in the eyes of a woman who believed that the best thing for her to do was run from love…and then when she decided NOT to, the person she opened herself to showed her that she should’ve run screaming. I saw the eyes of another woman, who misses her man. She is still in shell shock after a month or more…and its deafening…the silent torture she is going through. Then, there’s the woman who loves with everything she has. Just when she doesn’t think she has anymore…she finds some in the recesses of her soul. Just when she doesn’t think that she can forgive…she does. Today…her heart was heavy. She had to let a friend go out of her life and it just made her say NO. NO MORE. She’s ready to blacken her heart and retreat into herself. WHAT THE FRIED CHICKEN HEARTS IS GOING ON? How did my girls…some of the most loving people I know, end up so hopeless about love? How is it that the ladies, who have championed by my side and helped me to remember where love truly resides *inside of us* have become truly hardened to love’s effects? I tell you how…it’s the selfishness. It’s the manipulative ways. It’s the taxing of their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual selves. It’s the cycle of abuse on every level. It’s the inability to let go when you know that the “love” you’re in…is no longer love…if it ever was.

One of the things I love to say is accountability is key. If you DON’T know you better read some previous blogs or something. It’s my favorite word. It means basically…to know your part in a situation and own up. Don’t play it down and shift blame because you lack courage for introspection. We’re all accountable for SOMETHING…find yaself…but, my point here, is this:

I’m not saying that these ladies didn’t play a part in the crumbling of their situations. I know for sure that I can track my own actions throughout relationships. Red flags ignored, outs I didn’t take, moves I didn’t make, times I didn’t stand up for myself. So, yes…sometimes us women stay too long. Deal with demons that don’t belong to us. Allow for someone to mistreat us under the assumption that somehow we’re “helping” them work through something. We sometimes fear loneliness, rejection and possible replacement. Insecurities, past failures…all that shit plays into our mental fights against staying or leaving…but, what matters most…is that we stay. We try to stick it out and not quit on the ones we love…and sometimes its to our detriment. Sometimes we stay and THEY leave…but, either way…the pain can be paralyzing. Creatures of nurture from birth…women give naturally and at times without expectation. It often leaves some of us empty without resources to refill our own spirits.

If, I could…I would place in these women’s hearts…the hope and faith of love. The enduring side of love. The faith of knowing that love doesn’t reside in any one person. The home of love is God for those who believe…for those who don’t, that love STILL resides in self. Whichever way you butter that bread, the love comes through YOU as acceptance and openness…not from the object of your affections. So, when they leave, or we leave…love doesn’t have to. I pray that these ladies and even men who have been hurt and taken for granted, disrespected, abused and made to feel inadequate…know the truest of loves. God’s and self.

That is all…

Missing: A Family

I’m ready to stop lying to myself. I want a family.

I come from a line of single mothers. My mother, grandmother and great-grandmother were primarily single mothers. My paternal grandmother took on single motherhood…only after divorcing my grandfather when my dad and uncle were barely teens. I’ve seen a lot of good kids come from this family on both sides. I’ve seen some bad apples, too. Truth be told, my issue with “saying” I didn’t want a family had nothing to do with the supposed “cycle” of single motherhood. It didn’t come from my fear of not being able to be a good mom. It came from the fear of not being able to have any. I just always wondered when I’d get a chance to be a mom and it’s never been an option. At 36, its decreasing with the hours and I just decided to find my “maternal instincts” in the beauty of being a godmom.

Syre…my little prince. He’ll be 2 on May 12th. In 2007, he was born prematurely by 2 months. He fought for his life. Two surgeries and almost 5 months later, he came home. While he was hospitalized, a really nice lady online informed me that his name meant; “Oxygen; breath of life”. How befitting, right? I didn’t get to see him much. Just a few times…all because they lived in Washington, DC…too far for anyone to travel at the time. Then, January 12th…I went down to sit for him. Two months in DC with the baby who is becoming a little boy. Yet…helping his mom out, turned out to be more for me. I came home once for an appointment, returning on the 12th of February…my sister’s birthday. I stayed until March 16th. At first, I thought…I’m never having kids. He wore me out. Now, that I’m home…I miss him like crazy…but not as much as I miss the family I never had.

I hear my girls talk about their kids. I have people from Facebook ask, “Do you have kids, Kali?”. I see babies and children with their parents and marvel at their bonds. I see little kids who don’t have a mom…or a dad…and I wonder, why? I wonder why people are given the chance to procreate and then don’t want to stick around for the process of life…but, people who can’t have children have all this love to give and no children to give it to.

Yea, I know thats the way life goes. There’s not real rhyme or reason to it…not one that mere mortals can impart. How it is, is how it will be until there is no more. It doesn’t keep me from longing or missing what wasn’t. It doesn’t keep me from wanting to hear a little boy or girl call me “mommy”. The desire to have my child’s face light up at the accomplishment of learning the smallest thing isn’t quieted. SO…Whoever said you never miss what you never had…didn’t know a damn thing…and clearly had everything.