23~ Doves Disparaged

Some of these questions, MAN…smh

…what? It rhymed!

Do you think love and marriage are synonymous? ((Was I sipping pineapple rum while penning these questions?))

Well…No.

Love can LEAD to marriage. INSIDE of marriage the two should become synonymous. Wherever love is placed, that relationship should become enmeshed in the word love.

Marriage is a tricky thing to discuss nowadays. Honestly, I don’t know why I brought this shit up. Perhaps today isn’t the day for me to be expounding on such things in my current state of IDGAF. Yet, I’m already 2 blogs behind in this challenge due to my attitude and need to be an example…or WANTS to be an example for the challengers…especially those who may be struggling with certain questions.

So, yes. I think I answered that. I ain’t sticking around here too long. INSIDE of marriage the two should “marry” and encompass all of those things resident in love…but LOVE stands on it’s own. It would be the arms of God wrapped around the world…if there were a physical way to describe it.

So there ya have it…

Do You Take This Woman? …Literally?

Everyday at work, in between bustling phone calls, being the copy whore and chuckling with my o-buds…I research. Something different daily to keep my mind spry on the down swings. I guess it’s the nerd/geek in me, but to me it’s a constructive way to keep me occupied and OFF Facebook as much as possible.


Recently, I’ve researched everything from French, Spanish & Greek alphabets, to constellations, to Greek/Roman mythology, to the origin of surnames. Today, I researched the bizarre origin of wedding traditions that many women utilize in their ceremonies in today’s age.


This one article on CNN Living was especially educational and interesting. I shared my findings with a couple of people. We all were like wow…okay. O_O


Some of my favorite ones were this one for instance…

“The Garter Belt and Bouquet Toss“


“This pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. What could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor and being expected to demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers?

How about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of your buddy’s wife? At any other point in time, that would make you seem wildly creepy. So why is it acceptable at a wedding?

It used to be that after the bride and groom said, “I do,” they were to go immediately into a nearby room and consummate the marriage. Obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride’s dress as it was ripped from her body.

Sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride’s dress as she walked by, hoping for a few threads of good fortune. In time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well… creepy, and it was decided that for modesty’s sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride’s undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, seal the deal.“

WOW…really son? That’s some freaky shit. Gathering all around the newlyweds bed to see him hit it? The crowd ripping off chica’s gown to get a piece of her “good fortune”? (Because CLEARLY being almost forced to screw hubby in front of a gang of pervs is the absolute BEST fortune!)

Yea, that’s some kinda crazy. I even got a kick out of the fact that the bridal party was originally meant to aid in distracting naysayers, ill-willed bastards and crazy exes. I guess in a way, that’s a good damn idea…except of course the ex is some crazed gun-toting, knife-wielding maniac refusing to let anyone have you…since they can’t. Can you imagine that? One of the bridesmaids getting snatched up and then tortured once Ex O’Nutso realizes he’s grabbed the wrong broad to kidnap.

It’s interesting that the tradition that women go ga-ga for is steeped in shotgun wedding techniques and forced unions for the sake of debts, status or sacrifice. How a family used their daughters as currency and bargaining chips. How brutal is that? It’s unbelievable how the meaning has evolved into something glamorous and almost coveted. Women will beg, borrow and steal…often putting the future of said marriage in jeopardy…all for the sake of the most beautiful wedding they CANT afford. I guess we should just be lucky that we’re doing it by choice, now…

Just kidnap me and call me Mrs., why don’tcha…

They Made Me Do It!!

GEEEEEZ!


All I’ve been hearing is this damn Swizz/Mashonda/Alicia Keys shit. Facebook. Twitter. STFU. It’s getting to the point of blatant insanity and this cannot and will not be good for ANY children involved when they’re able to read and understand.


Okay, let’s get it out there. I uphold the sanctity of marriage. I want to be married in my lifetime (and I’m okay if I don’t) but, I’m going to be honest, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite for the sake of voicing my opinion. In this lifetime, I’ve had feelings for a married dude. An emotional affair so to speak. He’s gone now…and guess what, YES…it took ME to send HIM “back home”. If I’d let him have his way…I’d be ass up face down right now in some hotel off from the public eye. LMAO No. Truthfully…we cared about each other. I cared SO much for him and my own souls, that I told him I couldn’t any longer pray for love to come to me in the form of possible marriage…while I entertained his “love”  for me. To me, it was hypocritical to expect God to honor my desires while actively dishonoring this man’s vows.


NOW…having said that…so no one can call me full of shit, lol…let’s get to the meat of the situation. 


Swizz and Mashonda were married. Took vows to one another.  God doesn’t do threesome marriages where some anonymous third party has equal responsibility in a couple’s marriage. Call Alicia home wrecker all you want…Swizz wrecked his own home. You can’t “steal” someone’s man. You can’t “wreck” someone’s home. You can’t “keep” a man or woman for that matter. People make choices, they stay, they honor their vows, promises and love regardless of issues, time and circumstance. Mashonda should’ve written SWIZZ’ ass a public letter. Or how about keep that shit to yourself. Be two adults and keep your marital woes between the two of you. If I was Alicia Keys, I wouldn’t have responded either. Not out of shame or embarrassment (and yes, she should be) but, because I’m not the other party in a God ordained union. I’m not obligated to uphold their vows. Alicia wasn’t either. What ALICIA was responsible for, was upholding her image. Her self-respect. Her dignity as a woman and an artist/public figure. You can’t do dirt when you’re a celebrity and think no one will get wind of it. Alas, people take the risk for less than love everyday without considering the consequences. I personally think Mashonda might have been on some get back shit. (duh, right?) Well, I said that because I see how Mashonda has taken the demure role of being diplomatic and tactful, but how tactful was it to bring your business to the public eye, starring A. Keys as the “whore”? Hmmm, woman whose career is non-existent vs. “Superwoman”…sounds like a mud-slinging campaign. After all, Mrs. Beats DID say that she once looked up to Alicia and admired her music. THIS shit here? Was way too much drama. If for no one but her kids…she should’ve thought twice before doing that. That’s just my opinion.


All of the backlash surrounding Alicia Keys is sickening to me. Not because I condone home-wrecking…because I don’t. I released myself from my situation, because I couldn’t sleep at night. It didn’t sit right in my spirit. I never intended to feel him like I did…and truthfully, I wasn’t even in love. He supplied a need emotionally that I wasn’t getting elsewhere…yet, it was wrong. I take full accountability. So, my point here is that regardless of whether Alicia meant for it to happen or not. Is sorry or not…she has to live with herself. No one has a right to judge. It’s unfair that she’s taken the brunt of the ugly attacks, while Swizz looks like the “holy grail” of this debacle. He’s the prize. He’s coasting and not being put square on the blame like he should. NO woman can take a man from home unless he’s already got one foot out the door and even then, it’s by choice. Men have a gang of kids…and don’t get the Erykah Badu treatment. Men go through MANY women…and don’t get the Halle Berry special. Women are always accused of not being able to keep their men or handle their business and that shit is getting tiresome. Men have so many options that they get to hop from chick to chick and no one stops them at the gate with, “Why can’t you stay with one?”. When will these men be held responsible for their part in the failing of relationships and families. It’s not cool at all…


For me…I don’t get wrapped up in these people’s lives, which is why I don’t write sensationalist blogs about celebrities. I’m an artist and I respect artistry. I listen to music, I watch movies, I read books and poetry. I’m not concerned about peeping through Alicia’s window to see if she scratches her ass or digs in her nose. I don’t need all that.


Folks need to learn to mind their business and save their judgment for their OWN shit….you know? The stuff you might actually be ABLE to change?


You know, it’s mighty funny that when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s affair was publicized, Angelina got SUPPORT for snagging “World’s Most Handsome Actor” according to People. She was looked at in a wonderful, glowing light as Brad adopted her children as his own. Then she was glorified when they married and had three children of their own together. In the meantime, it was Jennifer Aniston who was barbecued in the spotlight for “not being able to give Brad a family”…and for being “too busy” to be a wife. Why is it that our culture is so quick to crucify our women for these things?


~waving hand and walking off~

~In The Clouds~

Here’s a word or two to the not-so-wise. The “wise” don’t NEED a word…so riddle me that. I digress…my apologies.

Marriage…is for the marriage-minded. Need a clue? Well, the marriage-minded are in the state of marriage before they ever enter and say “I do’s”. The ceremony and license are just that…ceremonial. It’s the religious or social declaration of commitment ALREADY present. One day on Twitter, I saw a quote that @RevRunWisdom tweeted. He said, {loosely translated} that if a woman wanted to BE a wife, she had to be one before even being proposed to. To be in the mind state…is the key. So, if you’re considering marriage…yet, you’re still “pitching woo” to others, needing and meeting others of the opposite sex for “friends” and haven’t shed the so-called freedom that so many cling to…you are NOT marriage-minded. Marriage is not for the selfish. It is for those prepared and EAGER to begin a life with someone who they not only can live with…but can’t live…WONT live without. I said the other day…fighting = sacrifice. When you fight for love, you fight for it sacrificing the things you THINK you need for the one thing you KNOW you need. For me, truest freedom is found in a true love where you can be yourself. You don’t have to hide your weaknesses. You don’t have to build yourself up. You are from the nucleus of you…everything you are and aren’t. You are that without apologies when with someone who sees you and loves you…regardless. Marriage-minded people, understand that friends/associates come and go…and that the true ones will support your step towards marriage. They will RESPECT your union and support your union. After all…I don’t think married folks mingle well with single ones. Unless you as a married person have single friends who love you as a unit…there could be drama and circumstances that may leave you in temptation or make you feel the need to “prove” who you are.

Single…is for the single-minded. It’s when you’re okay with being single and are not looking for commitment. It’s also a game that should only be played by the honest. Single people tell other single people, that they don’t want anything more than to date, have sex, or other activities that don’t require being coupled up. Single, is EVEN quite possibly…having an exclusive “partner” but not putting labels or expectations onto the relationship. As any situation grows and changes…the parties involved should be honest about their intentions, change of heart and/or growing attachments. If you’re sleeping with more than one…say that. When you lie to someone about your interactions, you’re robbing them blindly of the choice to invest in you or not. SOME folks are game to do whatever…as long as there is honesty. If someone chooses to walk away, that is their right…but holding on to “prospects” for future marriage/commitment…is selfish and a flagrant violation of their trust.

If you’re not ready to be honest with your partner, put in the time to bring about a unified sense of intimacy, and have no intentions on following through with promises of monogamy, etc…you need to be single. If your thoughts are you first, and your mate AFTER the fact…you need to be single. If you’re loving one person, finessing another, romancing another, making plans to kick it with the next…you need to be single. I have had married people tell me that their mate is their ace. They have LOADS of fun, great sex and good communication. They work together like a Swiss timepiece…ticking in sync, on the moment with accuracy and grace.  Marriage is NOT the end…if you’ve chosen the right mate. One who is compatible to you…who is down to have fun with you and give you the freedom to be true to self. If you’re using past experiences to hesitate towards true vulnerability, trust and communication…you are indeed swinging what is called “baggage”. Work that out before you couple up and start waltzing toward, around, near but never AT the altar. All marriages aren’t good ones, otherwise there would be few to no divorces, but it takes work from two willing participants…committed and unified in the choice to be together for their life’s span. 

Again, honesty is the best policy…and remember…what is done in the dark comes to the light. NEVER be so confident you’re flying under the radar that no one can find out what you’re up to…because {and this is that word to the not-so-wise}…if you’re doing things surreptitiously, dubiously, sneakily, with the hopes of getting away with something…you need not be doing it and need to be SINGLE. Free yourself and be honest…and you could live freely to do what it is you like. Marriage and single hood…is a mind set. Where is your mind at? If it’s in the clouds and you think you’re not noticeable to those around you…remember…while your head may be in the clouds out of sight, your body is still earth bound and bare to the eye. You’re not hiding from anyone but yourself…and that is the saddest part of all.

Seedless

I suppose like any other red-blooded American little girl…I loved dolls. Some didn’t…they were tomboys or into other things…but, I loved them. I loved the ones that looked the realest. I remember being attached to one little girl’s doll so much so that the summer I spent next door to her house (my great-grandmother’s)…I played with her every day to play with this doll. Soft and pliable like a real baby. Little life-like fingers and toes, even though the body of the doll was cloth. I remember it so well. I always wanted to be the mother during play “house”. I didn’t even care if I had a husband. How ironic that still…I have no husband, yet the desire for a child still echoes like a loud cacophony of hollow baby cries.

Truth is, most days…I’m good. I have a godson and I’m happy to be an influence in his life. I’m proud to have a miracle as the center of my maternal affections. Syre brings out those impulses…and at the same time quelches them. With Syre…I’m more than a mom…I’m the person HIS mom chose to mother her child in her untimely absence…God forbid. That is an honor to me…

Yet…sometimes, the desire to mother nags me to my core. It’s a baby’s laugh or a commercial for diapers, baby talk, the scent of baby lotion. Sometimes it’s as simple as waking up…wishing I had someone to pass all my love to.

You know what pisses me off though? People who will say that I should be glad to not have had children for one reason or another. Whether it’s the rise in divorces or single parenthood, the corrupt world of gang violence or drugs…or simply not being able to monetarily provide for them. Some folks feel the same on marriage. They’ve been married and taken through the ringer and are quick to say how naive or senseless I am to want to be part of a sacred covenant such as marriage. To be lucky to not have been part of a failing marriage. But how presumptuous of anyone to not think that the same things that go into a marriage are the same things that I’ve put into the relationships I’ve been in. Marriage isn’t the license or the ceremony…it’s the mind state. The level of commitment and willingness to dedicate yourself to someone. Cynicism in folks has got them doling out bitter advice on how it’s best to remain single. Yea, ok…I’m gonna need for folks to shut the fuck up. It’s really okay to do so.

My thing is…if you resent, regret, repress the decision you made to be married before or have children with people before…than YOU need to be by YOUR self…because clearly you didn’t work through the pain of the demise of that situation…but, don’t and I repeat DON’T tell me of how lucky I am to have given my heart to folks, yet to not have been married or to worry that I wont be…all because you’re bitter and wish you’d never met the fool you were betrothed to. Like life…love is what you make it. What you put into it. Sure, I’ve got my shit to deal with about love and relationships like a lot of people, but I’ve never been confused about giving it 100% of me. I’ve never been confused about being honest about my love and the words I spoke to another. So, yea…sometimes your experience is yours…save grace.

Then, when I look at what I’ve encountered. The selfish, abusive, dismissive men…who wanted to have me but didn’t give me them…I realize that maybe THAT is why I didn’t mother a child through my own womb. God was doing exactly what He wanted to do with me. He protected me, I believe…from having a child with someone who didn’t mean me well. I can’t speak for others…please don’t ask me why He didn’t protect you. LOL My only answer would be…that you (whomever you may be) were meant to mother/father a child for His divine plan…just like you were meant to marry whomever you did. Your lessons and path aren’t mine…so, I can’t tell ya.

All I know is that sometimes, I ache for the call of “mommy” and to have a man proudly aver me as his wife. To be a part of something bigger than myself and my own needs…to contribute to something beautiful. Who knows, maybe it will happen…maybe it wont. I just felt like saying it.

Legacy of Marriage

My mother and I were out running errands the other day. She had on a yet to be released CD by Kirk Whalum. The Gospel According to Jazz 3 is a must have. One of my faves is the piano rendition of Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” with George Duke on piano…but, I digress. LOL

Kirk was speaking to the audience (it’s a live CD with a DVD companion) and was telling everyone about his dad who at the time was still alive, but sick and making his transition. He said something that sparked this blog. He said, “My brothers and I and our wives…”

“OUR wives…”

I said to my mother, I love that…I love that when all the men in the family are married and there is a legacy of marriage. She said that it was indeed THAT reason…why it may work for them. They’ve known nothing BUT marriage in their family. Now, don’t get me wrong…there are people who have not seen an example of marriage and/or healthy relationships, and they’ve found happiness. Yet, what did they go through in order to find that place of peace? What I believe to be a great truth is that those shown healthy and I repeat…HEALTHY relationships and marriages lean more toward finding themselves married more contently. Just like a child needs two parents…they need to see their parents (or some semblance of it) interacting in a functional partnership of matrimony in order for them to navigate through the trials of being a couple. You learn behavior that is exampled…even if only from a mentor. For instance…my cousin has become his pastor’s honorary 4th child. The pastor has been married to his wife for long over 20yrs and have 3 productive children. My cousin befriended his eldest son when they were younger and have been roll dogs ever since. Seeing their example of family, “I” believe is the reason my cousin wanted to go to school…and why now he is striving to be a minister (even though he’s loved church since before he even knew this family)…but, again…SEEING it and knowing its possible are two different things.

My uncles are married. I have 3 on my mother’s side and 1 on my father’s side. My uncle on my dad’s side married finally 7 years ago…but, by then he’d done all a man could do and more. My mom and dad were never married and not so sure either of them are worried about that now. The three uncles on my mom’s side are married and have been married for several years. My oldest uncle has been married for over 20yrs…to his 3rd wife. My other two uncles were married the same year 2 months apart. They’re still with their wives even with all they’ve been through since. Yet, I noticed…the women in my family aren’t married…or in serious relationships for that matter. On my maternal side, my grandmother was never married, but her sisters were…and their children were. MY grandmother’s daughters and granddaughters have yet to find that to even be a possibility as of yet. On my paternal side…my grandmother was married to my grandfather, until they divorced before I was even born. She’s yet to be “seen” with a man. *laughing at my grandma*

I wonder how it is that the MEN found a legacy of marriage in a family where there was no example of relationships…yet the women have not. I would love to see someone’s take on it.