Dia Treinta~ A Letter To Self (Dear Me)

…tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself!

First…THANK YOU! Thank every person who read my month of truth and showed me unending support. THANK you for inspiring, being inspired, understanding, laughing and willing to learn more about me with an open heart. This challenge was sometimes fun and sometimes it was a pain in the ass. At times I didn’t want to reveal certain things. I DO believe that some shit just ain’t meant to be disclosed to an audience of many. So, thank you. For loving me past my truth and in spite of.
Now, the letter…

Dear Me,

I love you…more than I ever have. You’re quite the chick, you know that? You’re not too shabby…

I love that you’re growing at leaps and bounds. Owning your voice, your life, your love, your purpose. I love that you’re forgiving and nurturing…that in spite of “what others would do” you stand in the face of possible ridicule and heads shaking. “Kali, you’re better than me…” is a phrase you’ve come to embrace rather than cringe at. I mean, who wants to be known as the town pushover? No one…but, THAT is just IT…you know that it’s not about being a pushover, or gullible, or naive…it’s about owning your stride. It’s about harnessing your own power rather than give it away for another to dangle like a carrot at their whim. You GET IT! You get that life happens and that even though you may be a certain way…everyone’s not you. You get that everyone whose friend YOU are…may not be yours! You get that falling in love and being vulnerable isn’t STUPID…it’s LOVE. (I just heard Jill Scott’s “It’s Love” in my head).

I love you, girl. You’re smart but not pretentious. Fun but not a clown. Sweet but no fool. Strong but no bully. (I pretend to be but the truth is…do you). You kinda sorta maybe definitely know you’re pretty…but you’re not superficial. You know that you’re loved and yet you’re not afraid to face solitude. (LOVE my own company)

You’re humble. You’re honest. You have a child-like innocence, but you’re a realist. You don’t CARE what people say about how “inexperienced” you are because, ironically…with all people’s “experience”…they still somehow end up coming to YOU! (yea, I said that shit).

See! That right there! You’re back! You’ve grown into your spine and that’s a wonderful thing.

I’m proud of where I come from. My stock. My clan. My peoples…and I’m proud of who I am today. I know I’m God’s child and I know more than ever who he’s commissioned me to be. My legacy will not be televised…it will be told…from heart to heart…and I love that.

Love Always, from this life into the next…


**peace to this challenge and onto the next**

A Year Later

I had to write about it…I mean, it’s what I do. I blog. I blog my life, the life around me and in this instance…a life missed.

A year ago today, my grand-kween (as I’ve grown fond of calling her) left this plane for a more heavenly one. I remember the day so vividly. Waking up lethargically…not wanting to go into work. Sitting on the side of my bed, wondering how she was doing in the hospital and trying to wait for a good time to call my dad to check in on her. As I sat there feeling dismal with the dread of what I already knew…my sister called. She’d called the job thinking I’d gone in and decided to try the cell. She was on her way to get me because dad had called and asked us to come soon. The doctors weren’t expecting her to make it.

I began dressing and when sis got to the house…we left for Mt. Vernon.

When we got there…she was gone. I went to her bed where she laid…her chest still moving from the machines (to keep her viable until the family had seen her) and all I could do was hold her. I held her and cried the hardest cry to date. I choked on tears and pain and didn’t want to let her go…but, I did.

I’d done so two days before. I sat and spoke to her spirit and told her she could go. 81 years is a  grand and beautiful age at which to go out. 8+1=9…which is a number of completion…divine. (Think 9mos of pregnancy or the 9 numbers)

She was inspirational and loving. She had a hearty laugh and a sassy attitude. She’s made her mistakes, but still lived as best as she could without apology. She raised her kids and she held them down no matter what. She was a pillar of the community and helped many through her job at the city hall of our hometown. To sit in her funeral, March 8th, 2010…and hear so many speak of her as I knew her and MORE…was a wonderful way for her to cast off and transcend.

I am proud to be her grandbaby. Her “Baby Love”. Her “Monkey”. (the buck stops THERE…you will NOT laugh at the other name she had for me) LOL

I love you, Grandma…I miss you…and I pray that I make you proud in the way I’m living. Hopefully, I’ll see you one day not too soon.

R.I.P. Beautiful…

**I’m changing this pic as soon as my dad gives me another one 🙂

Dearest Love…

Dear Love,

Thank you…

Thank you for loving me. I remember when we first met. When we fell for one another. I was a tender 4yr old and my first love was 7. He swept me off my feet in the middle of a Spiderman cartoon on a Saturday morning…I was smitten for years. Young love…literally.

What I love about you Love…is that even when others have tried to use what they think they know of you against me… (because they didn’t REALLY know you) …you never left me. You never let anyone make me feel like you’d abandoned me. With your strong embrace and tender whispers…I held fast for you…as I always will.

I realize now…that I saw you in every lover…because you were my own reflection. Every ounce of faith, hope, trust, patience, desire…that I felt for them…was my own self. You came into me from my conception and swirled up from the depths of me to become the smile I’m wearing right now. Free from the manacles of illusionary love, cloaked in lust, lies and fairy tales…I see so clearly how it was always you there for me when all else failed.

Love, my love…I am so utterly over the moon happy with what you’ve placed inside of me. It is something that no man, woman or even ME can take away. You are more than romance and courtship. More than first kisses and butterflies. More than weddings and honeymoons. You are the forgiveness for failed relationships. You are the gentle remnants of affection for “love lost”. You are the spark of light threatening to be a supernova deep within those who love themselves and I…love me some me.

I also know…that one day, you’ll place someone in front of me who reflects what I embody. You’ll bring about a crashing wave of all that I imagined and more. Not in the fairy tale sense…but in the “oh snap this is REAL” sense. So, thank you, Love.

I love you.

~Da Kween~

I velo uoy

That’s how those words come out sounding to me now. Jumbled and confused…making no sense on paper nor audibly understandable.

I’ve been the self-proclaimed “kween of love” for a long time now. I’ve advocated love…championed it’s causes, whether it’s been familial love, friendship love, or spousal/mate love. I even perpetuate love of strangers. I’ve gotten into knock down, drag out debates about love and how IT doesn’t hurt and how it’s people…hurt people to be exact, who HURT people. About how love and respect is synonymous if you understand TRUE love. How love is simple and life/people are complicated. I’ve said that love is unconditional when understood in it’s truest form and intent…God’s love. I’ve told more than a few and said it to myself more than a few times…that “love doesn’t reside in one person…it resides in you by way of God”. In that moment, I’m usually telling someone that no matter how much you felt that “no one would love you how he does” or that “you’d never love another”…it is a choice you’re making to excuse away wasting time on someone who doesn’t want to give you what you need. *insert a talking hand gesture*

I’m tired. I’m tired of talking about love. I’m tired of saying how much love is worth in a person’s life. I’m tired of trying to show grown folks how to do simple things…like own up to their emotions, truths, life and live through love in the moment. I’m SICK of telling folks how, you can’t control love. There is no love in control and no control in love. It’s a free-flowing thing that one succumbs to by allowing their heart and spirit to guide them, rather than the mind. I’m exasperated, exhausted, fatigued and SPENT at trying to love folks at their core. Seeing all that they hide, trying to love them for whom they are…all for them to try to make me feel like it’s not  worth it. 

If I say I love you…it’s forever. I never stop. No matter WHAT you do short of tryna kill me…and even then, I’ll say “maybe that fool didn’t have his/her Wheaties”. LOL I know that, it’s not in me to promise you love and then renege. It’s not in me to show interest if I’m not genuinely interested. It’s not in me to say you’re my friend and then treat you like an associate. It’s not in me to treat strangers better than I do my own clan. I don’t comprehend malice. I don’t comprehend blatant lies and deception. I don’t make room in my heart and energy spaces for bullshit ass averments that amount to a hill of cat shit. I take love seriously…very. I’m always prepared to show and prove…so what the fuck is wrong that I can’t get the same? I shouldn’t have to tell ADULTS how to be that. I shouldn’t have to remind you of what you said you’d do, who you said you were, where you said you’d be. Either you’re about the business of being true or you’re not. Pick a persona and stick with it. DO you…just let me know, so I can respond accordingly. Love is love…even from a distance!

Perhaps I overstated being the kween of love. I think I’ll go change my Twitter name to JustALoverOfLove and cop to being a romantic that has grown hopeless. Or perhaps, I’m just in a weary state and when I’ve climbed and tugged at the terrain for sure-footing (the Capricorn in me) I’ll be renewed and back to the kween’s glory of reigning in love.

Until then…”I velo uoy”

i love you~v day ode

i love you
sight unseen
breath not breathed
vibes not felt
i still melt
i love…YOU…
no thing spoken
no thing taken
or hoped
without bounds
or reason
without a way to cope
i do,
love you…
without a day dedicated
a season set aside
a moment savored
and tied
i love you
i do!
i love you…
when it hurts
though it shouldn’t
when you were there
and when you couldn’t
in my subconscious
and in my daydreams
before we met
and in future scenes
i love you
whether you deserve it
whether you’re worth it
in the times
when dust collected
on trust expected
when you’re loving someone else…
i love you
no bouquet of my faves
jewelry from kay’s
no god diva’s morsels
dates, dinners or sexcapades
no surprises with the best
or a heart pounding through chests…
can speak the magnitude
of my love for you
as i walk alone
on this day of love shown
and tan in other’s loveshine
waiting patiently for mine…
no pause before answering
i can say
i love you
i do…