Cornballs, anyone?

I saw a dude today on my Facebook home page status this: “My man’s girl left him for a cornball…how stupid is that?”

WOW. Well first off, myself and a high school friend immediately wanted to know what IS a cornball? My girl said, that cornballs are what’s up at our age (iowno what age she talking on, lol)…but, I concurred to a degree. I said that “cornballs” tend to be more sensitive, attentive, respectful, etc…and not that I meant to infer his “man” wasn’t any of those things…but, just that there’s got to be a reason why his girl left him. If it were a man, leaving his chick for a “Plain Jane”…I’m sure that while the chick may begin some hateration…the dude would conclude that she was “handling business”. *rolling eyes*

When this dude DID define cornball…the words he used were as follows: unsophisticated, old-fashioned, banal, sensitive and corny of course. So, being considered the “human dictionary” in my family…I broke it down to myself. (I was on the way to work, no time to argue points, lol) 

Well…what exactly IS unsophisticated? This dude, wears the best gear, jewelry, blah and blah. He’s constantly posting male and female fashion. So to ME, I see already that his idea of sophistication is attached as much to material presentation…as it is attitude and style. (FYI: Style and Fashion are two TOTALLY different things).  Then there is old-fashioned. Now, I don’t have a problem with that. I hope the “cornball” isn’t kicking it in crushed linen suits and gators from the 70’s…update that papi. LOL…but, for the most part, when I think of old-fashioned…I think of a person who has old time values. Next…Banal? Well, banal is simply put…”common”. That’s just average. That’s like saying…”Kiwi isn’t dumb, nor genius…she’s average smart.” Well what in the hell is wrong with that? For the record…being OVER the top is OVERrated. A lot of folks stuck on themselves could learn a LOT from an average cat. Who is ANYONE to defer judgment onto someone else as being less than, especially based off of a superficial quality that can come or go…not like a true moral foundation, which is ingrained in you for life? I’d rather be an average “Joe”…getting what I need and owing little, than to be styling and profiling and not able to pay bills…not saying this is HIM, but come on, son! 

Then, sensitive…well, unless he’s crying over EVERYTHING…constantly whining about life or has no sense of backbone or sign of his XY chrome…then I’m imagining sensitive means he cares. That he has a heart and isn’t ashamed to be vulnerable. THAT takes strength. Only WEAK ass folks hide their vulnerabilities and pretend to let everything slide off their backs. No one is impenetrable. We’re mere images of God…and remember that IMAGES…can be distorted. It isn’t ALWAYS a crystal clear representation of the original form. Finally, we come to the word corny. Well, maybe it’s just me…because I like nerds, silly jokes and a man who isn’t afraid to let himself go. I love laughing at the mundane…making something everyday ordinary be outrageously funny with some imagination. I like a dude, who will say…”Babe, today is the anniversary of our first kiss”. I like someone who remembers that I love pens and journals and brings me home one tucked in his coat. Corny is sometimes endearing and heart-warming.

You know…I sat there and shook my head until I walked INTO the office. I really did walk 20mins to work, rattling this off in my head. First off, I’m not impressed by material. Show me TRUE, unwavering, shameless, all-consuming love. Show me LOYALTY, TRUST, HONESTY, DEDICATION and RESPECT…and I will indeed be impressed…as long as it’s consistent. Don’t start nothing you can’t finish with me. At 37, I’m done with lip service. SHOW me! Hmph! I digress…but, yea…this got to me. Sophistication? I wanted to ask cat, “Does your INCOME outweigh your OUTGOING?”.  When assessing your credit, liabilities and assets…do you come out on TOP? Are you flossing a fine luxury vehicle while either living with moms…or living in a  rented space or do you OWN? If you aren’t balling out of control and coming out on TOP of your bills…then guess what “PAHTNA”? You ARE average…and seemingly a CORNBALL. The worst part…is you don’t even KNOW that. Like I said, give me a hard-working blue-collar man who provides and comes home at night. Who is a great father to any potential children…who loves on me sufficiently, and who is my best friend in the world. Give me THAT cornball…because if a sophisticated, snobbish, judgmental asshole is the other option…I’ll pass!

By the way…did you catch that this man was somewhat in his feelings about his FRIEND being left for a cornball? How sensitive!! LMAO

10 Things, 3am and OTHER random shit

For SOME God-forsaken reason…the 3-5 hours are my “insomnia” hours. I almost instinctively awake at 3am…Usually, I’d watch General Hospital’s repeat on SOAPnet, but the service is out because we’re switching to another. Instead…I sit here tip tapping away NO o’clock in the morning with a mind on a speed that would make most dizzy.

10 is my favorite number. *laughing at a private joke about the Illuminati* ~shaking that off~ SEE…you probably have NO clue where my mind is, but about one or two others will get it…that’s if they’re on nighthawk time…

ANYWHO…it’s my fave number for a few reasons. It’s an even number and the OCD in me likes even things. My birthday is on the 10th of the month. I’m a 73 baby (do the math) and I’m presently 37 (I KNOW…I look GOOD don’t I? *jealous huh?* HAHA…I kid…I kid. I have a few other reasons, but hey…you already probably think I’m a little special…so I’ll keep some fantasy in our relationship. 😉

On with the 10 things…maybe…

10 things pissing me off (yes…I’m an Angry Black Kween right now…but, I think it’s a good look for me) 

7. Folks who feel entitled to YOUR shit…wtf?
6. DUMB bishes who THINK they know you and DON’T (mental note taken, to stay to self)
5. The pure and utter bullshittity (thanks Wizzy) of a SUPERVISOR who knows less than ME! O_O
4. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR…ASK for what you want, what you want to know…or SAY the shit…I’m not giving clues
3. Don’t ask me shit and then tell me I’m wrong…WHY DID YOU ASK?
2. WEAK spirited folks…but wait, I can almost deal with a weak spirit…just not one who PRETENDS to be strong (fuckouttahereyo)
1. LIARS!!!

Now, don’t think that I’m all anger and no management. LOL I’m expressing and venting so as not to implode. This is an exercise of relaxing, relating and releasing…and then T.D. Jakes shuffling through my day! So here’s 10 more things…

10 things I feel GREAT about…

10. SHELTER in the dead of winter
9. FOOD in a hungry country (Yes, the U.S. is surprisingly STARVING at a growing rate)
8. Working limbs, mind, and senses
7. God-given gifts (i.e. singing, drawing, writing, LOVING, seeing spirit over flesh)
6. FAMILIA…yea, so WHAT they fell off an almond tree, but they’re MINE!
5. The wonder that is my godchild…Syre
4. FRIENDS…they’re the family God gave me the sense to choose.
3. The ability to know I’m blessed, pray, and praise…it’s all HIM anyway!
2. Pepsi. LOL No seriously…I’m addicted and if I don’t have it…I get the shakes.
1. LIFE…the life that is breathed into me with grace and beneficence every time I awake in this mere shell. To shake off those 10 things that piss me off and cause me to cuss and lose sight momentarily of my divine being and purpose in this life. Using my OWN life as a living testimony to give inspiration and receive it from those who impact me as well. Making a LIAR out of circumstances and saying to self…You are BLESSED. *insert T.D Jakes shuffle*

Now? I can sleep…Good morning! 😉

~I love you~

i love you~v day ode

i love you
sight unseen
breath not breathed
vibes not felt
i still melt
i love…YOU…
no thing spoken
no thing taken
or hoped
without bounds
or reason
without a way to cope
i do,
love you…
without a day dedicated
a season set aside
a moment savored
and tied
i love you
i do!
i love you…
when it hurts
though it shouldn’t
when you were there
and when you couldn’t
in my subconscious
and in my daydreams
before we met
and in future scenes
i love you
whether you deserve it
whether you’re worth it
in the times
when dust collected
on trust expected
when you’re loving someone else…
i love you
no bouquet of my faves
jewelry from kay’s
no god diva’s morsels
dates, dinners or sexcapades
no surprises with the best
or a heart pounding through chests…
can speak the magnitude
of my love for you
as i walk alone
on this day of love shown
and tan in other’s loveshine
waiting patiently for mine…
no pause before answering
i can say
i love you
i do…

Not Bye…Later

Lately, a once foreign concept has become commonplace in my 2010 year.  There was a time, when the idea of “putting it all out there” for public consumption via blog…was something I shied away from doing. I’m a very private person and only talk to those I feel I can trust. (THAT is becoming a very short list) One of my bigger reasons for having chosen to avoid spilling my guts on blogs, was because I know that sometimes folks aren’t prepared to look up and read about themselves. They can take offense, when seeing their life written. I know that if someone was talking about me in my worst light…or just even my most private one…with no real way to defend myself, or feeling like I HAD to by commenting publicly…I would feel badly. SO, I’ve taken great care up until now…to share with the cyber-world the daily shit factory that has become my life. I know that this may come across eyes that will recognize themselves, but all I can say is…at least it isn’t facetiously written.
I also believed that, if you spat out ALL the things you go through AND with a not-so-nice tone….you run the risk of looking A-Class Jack Ass when you and the source of your rant kiss, make up and are making goo goo faces and playing patty cake…in the SAME damn forum. So, yes…saying what’s been on my mind on HERE has been a last resort. A cathartic release to help me move past the hurts and pains.
This week was bittersweet. While in my new job, I found my groove…exhibiting my skills of organization and efficiency, and winning accolades of my co-workers and supervisors. I LOVE that. I feel  really good right now about my progress. Yet, I lost a couple of friends this week as well. It shouldn’t have happened how it did, but when perceptions and personalities clash…and no one is willing to discuss the issue properly…little can be resolved. I wish that more than anything…it didn’t play out publicly and without clarity to the situation. Nevertheless, I can’t do a thing about that now.  If I’d had my choice, before swift and rash decisions were made to end things without knowing if the reasons were factual…I would’ve sat on it for a while longer. Not commit to actions that couldn’t be taken back…because guess what? Even if you delete/block someone, the damage is done already. You’ve already drawn attention to the tension. Giving folks a front row seat to the fiasco. Facebook isn’t where I saw these connections ending, but God knows that I am not for being made to look a fool on the word of someone else who doesn’t have all the facts. Deletion, was simply a way to assert my position of not allowing for anyone to fence me OUT and still keep me hanging…but, of course…I’m looked at as the bad guy. 
I’m sure there will be a great divide of mutual friends…people deciding before knowing, whose right and wrong. No status of 140 characters could elaborate the true reason for the estrangement, but I’ve ALSO decided not to make that a concern of mine. If people are smart, they’ll remain neutral. If not neutral…perhaps true to their allegiances and make a clean break instead of pretending to like me/them. I said this year was about me…and I meant it. I wont have ANYONE diminishing my importance, my feelings, my love…for any reason.
I’ve lost the one I thought I’d marry…I’ve lost a sister-friend, and a person who I thought transcended ANY definition of bond with…but, I wont even say I’ve “lost” anything. What’s truly mine to have cannot be taken away. True relation/friendships aren’t easily broken on words or even hurt feelings…even with time they reconstitute, sometimes stronger. Sometimes, people need space to grow in their own directions…to come back later having become apart what they couldn’t together. We don’t always realize that certain bonds can be crutches and distractions…enabling each other to remain stagnant. So, like butterflies…they go wherever the winds take them…
For them…I pray nothing but beautiful journeys, love in teeming waves, and success of the stellar kind. I love every last one of you…more than you’ll ever know.
1 Corinthians: 13

on the wall


to be a tiny spectator
clued into your true self
privy to the private moments…
to find out,
what i KNOW
you hide
…keep hidden
deep beneath
the boastful breast of confidence
a fear of openness
i wonder at times
what might i find
if i could sit
unseen and mute
in a room filled with
your fears
and desires
what disclosure
would transpire?
what might become of it…
idea of you
that even YOU
have no idea about
what idiosyncrasy
would spill from your pores
with no dam to hold it
no sleeve to tuck it into…
would your hand be apparent?
could you be true
with yourself…
in an empty room
just yourself, God and
a curious looking fly?
i wonder the answer
all of the time
wasting time,
i already know…
that my waiting in the wings
posted in stealth
is but hope on dope
and others like you…
have built your life
on bricks of subterfuge
glued with pride
stacked against odds
formed in your mind
out of
i would ask…
i HAVE asked
ready to embrace the truth
receptive to the light-less spaces
wanting my love
to candle light
the way
i sit here, instead
imagining myself to be
an eye into your room
seeing the things
knowing finally
sighing in relief
at the splendid sight
of the things
you hide