It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.
I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain. It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.
In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.
Rest In Peace, Autumn...
I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.
Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.
This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.
God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.
Happy New Years!!!
Love, Thee Kween 🙂