12~ It’s In The Stars

Do you believe in zodiac compatibility? Who is your best match from experience? You worst?

I am a Capricorn. I have Aquarius Rising. I have a Pisces Moon. I have Sagittarius in both my Love (Venus) and Sex/Aggression (Mars) planets. I believe that having my major influences in ALL elements (Earth, Air, Water and Fire, respectively) that it makes me a very even-keeled person. I can lose it when I’m pushed to my limits. That fire will burn your ass. I can get kinda cold too, Capricorns can be some icy mofos…but, I’m sure my Pisces Moon influences my artistry, my psychic connection and ability to see the rosy side of things. That Aquarius, with it’s genius flashes and “weirdo” outlook is me all day…so I’m accounted for in each position. Having said that…

Yes, I do believe in Zodiac compatibility, lol…
From experience…none of them mofos I’ve been with…lol
Every one I’ve had has been the worst match…lmao

Okay seriously. I will say that I had the most passion/chemistry with an Aries and a Gemini. Up close and personal? I’ve had an Aries man snatch my clothes off with one hand. *woooo* I’ve also had a Gemini (that 1st damn love) make it HOT. ::fanning:: The only thing about BOTH of them is that they’re HUMONGOUS flirts…and that potentially makes their attention spans short. In other words…cheaters. Not ALL, but MINE.

I lived with a Virgo and sexed one. If I can help it…no to both again. Virgo men are too passive for me or too aggressive. It’s like either they have NO backbone…or are crazy as fuck. MY experience. Sex with either was mediocre at best. *yawns*

I sexed a Pisces…and other than his ability to, as I like to say fondly…”lick my rice bowl clean”…his stroke left a little to be desired. I felt like he got too overzealous and missed the mark on how to let it do what it do. This is MY Pisces experience, not everyone’s. He also wanted to cling and claim in a casual situation. Often trying to force us into a love thing, when he couldn’t even quit cussing long enough to say anything nice. Perhaps I liked that…I didn’t want anything else and we all know that most highly passionate situations can lead to equally passionate sex. The latter…not so much.

I’ve dabbled in the dynamic of a Libra (attracted yes, a match…no. Too self-involved)
Also, I had an Aquarius boyfriend in HS…he was cool, but a playa.
Taurus are not my cup of tea. I’ve had a little chemistry with one…but we’re better as friends.

I actually believe that I’ll be most compatible with an Air or Fire sign. I love the aggression…but in it’s PLACE! I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m for damn sure that he’s got my best interest at heart and I require that correction. I don’t mind taking a lil direction…but, I won’t be dominated completely. There’s a dominatrix deep in me that rebels…call it my Capricorn nature 😉

*singing* “Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer…ooooh

11~ Silly Of Me

I’m sorry, this shit was hilarious!!

Whom (no names, if you prefer) did you love, who didn’t love you back?


I could kick myself in the ass for asking some of these questions…really.

Now that I’m reading the question, it’s so different. I understand that because someone doesn’t love you back the way YOU want them too, doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you to their own capacity. People do better when they know better and if someone has always had dysfunctional love with no core sense of true love (whether it be family or friends) they might not ever really get it. Perhaps they walk away with the lesson and do better with the next. Who knows?

My first love didn’t love me the way I hoped. He was ashamed, it seemed to be seen with the chubby girl from across the hall. I didn’t have a Coke bottle shape, the longest hair (back then my hair wasn’t as long as it is now), the designer clothing, etc. I was a simple girl, living across the hall in the PJ’s with my grandmother…and though I had things, I didn’t have the things that kids prized above everything else. I was a “nerd” (they use geek now…back then, I was a goody-two shoe NERD). I was smarter than your average bear and often had a perspective of an adult. Not someone you wanna take to a teen/adolescent party. I’m going to church every Sunday, singing in the choir and have a mom who will kick a door in to find me…so yea. I wasn’t the one you wanted to tiddlywink with if you weren’t serious. I get that now, back then…it stung like a hornet’s kiss.

Recently, he put me in my place. He told me that we had one of the best relationships he’s been in because we had the friend AND lover aspect and still had a great deal of love for one another. It shocked me, but gave me a closure I didn’t even think I still needed.

The other person…well, fuck him. His loss.

10~ 10 And WINNING!

List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you
This is hard…REALLY hard. I preface this list with apologies to any who may think that their name NOT appearing on this list is a reflection of my love for you. It isn’t…these are my daily and constant soldiers. The ones that never leave…even if life is tugging them in other directions. I love MANY…but, these people are there every day in some capacity or another. *thinking…can I do an honorable mention’s list?* LOL
This isn’t meant to dumb down your meaningful relationships…it’s meant to show you who you treasure. It’s an exercise in realizing your treasures in life. With this particular challenge, I pray that you not only see who is in your corner, but whose lives you may be impacting as well. 
1~Mom: She and I have come a LONG way from the hurt feelings and misunderstandings of the past. I can tell her just about anything and I can assure you that most of what bothers me crosses her eardrums at one point or another. I’m proud of her life as a minister. She dedicates the majority of her time, not just to going to church…but seeing about the sick and shut-in, praying over troubled souls, teaching bible study and singing in (and directing) her choir. She’s truly married to the Lord and again…I’m proud!
2~Sis: My twin by 6 years…Younger chronologically…older in so many other ways. The little girl that used to tell on me and follow me around is  now a woman I respect and love dearly. I’d kill and die for this woman and that’s no lie. We’re connected.  We do the “twin thing” without being DNA twins. I call many sistas, sistars and yes…sisters…but she is the ONLY STISTER (because she couldn’t pronounce it as a kid) …that I have.
3~Dad: We struggle from time to time, but I’ve got sweet memories of us doing the most basic stuff. I love him dearly. He’s toughed out the trials of addiction and has been a trooper since my grandmother (his mom) passed last year. In spite of our personal ups and downs…I am proud of him.
4~Joy: My “BFF”, “bestie”, “sister”, all that shit. I actually want to veer away from the whole “claiming” of my closest peeps because it makes their position in my life seem small. This woman has been there for me when shit got real. We’ve “argued” all of a booming two times…with little to no raised voices and ending convos with nothing short of giggles and “I love you”. Nothing beats her coming out of her own comfort zone (extreme dislike for funerals) to support me when my grandmother died in 2010. That’s the shit friendship is made of…
5~Grandma C: My maternal grandmother…the last one standing. My grandma can be evil as a snake. LMAO I ain’t lying…I swear, ask any one of the OLDER grands (them young ones escaped her wrath somehow). She’s quick with her sword…tongue, I mean…and she can hurt the feelings of the strongest soldier. Hell, I’m STILL waiting for her to induct me BACK in the family. (She disowned me in anger like 15 years ago) LMAO! Through it all…I love my grandma. I accept her for who she is…and I don’t let her get away with her maniacal ways. I, the consummate Capricorn am the perfect “devil’s advocate” to patronizingly, condescendingly, but subtly scold the Taurean bull. *insert a pic of a seagoat popping out of the water and saying, “Hey…Bully…ya kinda loud. I can hear ya’z aaaawl de way down to de bottom o’ de sea AND at de top o’ de bluff. Sheesh Louise…lay off de caffeine will ya?” The bull says with a smile of embarrassment, “Oh…hush, chile. Lemme gruff.”* By the time the seagoat consents to let the bull do what she do…she forgot why she do what she do. That’s me and Grandma in a nutshell. My lady. 🙂 
S/N: I’m completing this blog after just waking up at 6:51am…so, I hope that explains the colorful description up there. LOL
6~Deanna aka DeeBo: I  met this chick through her ex. I knew him first on another social site called Multiply a few years back and when he began dating her…she became a part of the circle of friends I had there. Eventually, she and I hit it off past his inclusion and became pretty damn close without him. (I’m always stealing male friends female friends and/or lovers) LMAO. She’s indeed one of my SiStars along with her BFF Harmony. Dee is one of those folks on this planet who I have that psychic connection with. We almost ALWAYS feel the other and pick up the phone at the exact moment we’re thinking of the other. I ain’t gonna even say it’s weird…it is what it is.
7~Maria aka Sangria Soose: *she gone cuss me good for that one* :::snickering like Mutley::: ENTY WHO…THIS chick right here? Is one of those friendships that folks are STILL looking at me like, “You good…you real good…” They can’t understand how I got SO close to someone who was involved with my ex right after the last time he and I broke up. Yep. She be his next after me. She came out of nowhere (well not really…I remembered her vaguely from the old Yahoo 360 site). She needed to get some answers after they broke up and BANG! BOOM! The inbox convo became a phone convo became a friendship that I cherish dearly. I can’t say anything more about my KinTwin…except, she’s “thwee” and likes Pooh. LMAO *running*
8~Chuck aka Cee aka Puff: The watch dude. That’s what I remembered about him from Yahoo 360 (running theme of my friendships, huh?) His profile pic was always either a watch or a teddy bear…a naked teddy (smh). He and I didn’t get close though until the summer of 2010. I’d lost my grandma and broken ties with a few important people and out of concern…he reached out. We’ve been blowing up each other’s cells ever since. He makes sure I’m okay and I make sure he’s okay. We’re a support system and a source of silly shenanigans. He’s also the damned reason I am a newborn watch lover and back on that shit (aka shop TV). That’s my figga if he don’t get no bigga.
9~Caprice aka Preecey: I met this star through Joy. Caprice, Chante, N’Tirzah and Rachael are another group of “SiStars” that I love. We connect over artful events and food. LOL We are part of a sister circle whose purpose is to be a source of support. Though our time together is often sporadic, Preecey and I still check in on each other. When we DO talk,  we tend to go hours, not because we’re catching up…but, because we’re always spanning the spectrum of convo. If I didn’t see her on FB at least, I’d be sad…:( 
10~Tei: I’ll call her the “surprise”. She and I also met on 360. We ALSO met similarly to Maria and I. Her ex became my next and then when he was my ex, we became each other’s bane of existence.  We could’ve NEVER known how close we’d be…but, I can say that this woman and I have a TRULY deep connection that touches spirit and mind in a way I don’t often experience with others. I’ve always been the go-to friend-erapist…the one that people seek to speak to, in order to make sense out of things. Basically, she’s for me what I am to others. She doesn’t lie to me, she doesn’t coddle me, she’s not afraid for me to be mad at her truth (but then neither are them chicks and dude up there ^^^) LOL…but, she’s more straight to the core of me. She almost NEVER misses the mark on where I’m coming from…and she always turns my words in on me in a way that makes me wanna jump through the phone and wrestle her. LOL …she also has the best Jamaican accent I know and that usually makes it all better. hehe
You know what? This is MY damn challenge and I’m bending rules. Shit, I think I saw someone list several folks (which WONT the point, but hell…these answers are OUR interpretations. THAT is the point) I love my ENTIRE family on BOTH sides (that list would be hella long) LOL
I LOVE: Aly and Syre and Michael and Mahogany and Quinny and Scarlett and Budda and Renee and Renee (lol) and Dani and Val and Al and Kena and Tish and Insane and Erika and Chi and Yesha and Gina and hold up…this is getting too long. LMAO
I gotta go. I’m tide. I love you ALL!!

9~ Different Than Before

Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)

The 1st love and I had become estranged. I won’t go into details…but, I’ll say it was my very first experience of a friend’s betrayal with my love. For the longest time afterward I spoke to neither of them…and to be fair, when I decided to forgive one…I forgave BOTH. (Although, the friendship between chick and I was never quite restored. Hey, neither was mine and his!)

I was home. Sitting my little sister and a young lady from the church family we were a part of at the time. My sister had been told numerous times to NOT let dude in, but she had a soft spot for him just like I did. The doorbell rang and even though I KNOW my sister told the young lady (her name was Mo) that I didn’t wanna talk to this cat…they both still let him up the stairs.

There I was in the kitchen and when I peeked past the door (thinking I heard his voice in the house) there he was…


Fine as ever…


I threw on my straightest face possible and asked what he was doing there. That I still didn’t want to discuss anything with him. He practically begged me to take a walk with him back home. He wanted to talk to me and apologize…he just didn’t want to do it with the youngins around. I caved. I didn’t want them hearing either…besides…my mother didn’t like people in her house when she wasn’t around. I was 18, so I had to do what she asked.

I told the girls I’d be back…and off he and I went. We walked the short block to his apt. Turned out, his mom and sis had moved and all but a few things the place was empty. He was about to move into a room, but had a key still.

As I sat on the old freezer he stood between my legs as they dangled and begged me to forgive him. He said sorry a lot…and honestly he rarely ever apologized. This was new. ::pause::

For the record…he and I had a sexual relationship that didn’t span the intense emotions of passion and lovemaking. We had sex…up to this point. I knew the difference the moment he kissed me in a way he never had… >>play>>

He kissed me and held my face. I felt like crying and I’m sure he could tell. He took my hand and led me to the back room. There…he kissed me. He gently unbuttoned my shirt as he kissed my neck. (another tidbit of info…as youngins…we rarely were ever full-on buck-it naked. There was always SOME article of clothing remaining) He fully unclothed me and laid me down. He undressed and laid with me…touching, kissing, holding me…sweetly.

(another tidbit [I hope he doesn’t read this and kill me, lol] …we used the rhythm method. He always pulled out)

…not this time. THIS time…he and I stroked back and forth into and onto each other with a passion I hadn’t quite felt from him. Him deeeeeep in me as I straddled and let him apologize. When it was time to pull out…he didn’t. He held me tightly and that shocked the hell outta me. We laid there…naked…until we fell asleep. I actually awoke to him watching TV and it being dark outside. He apologized some more and wanted me to stay…but, I couldn’t. I had to go check on the two chicks I left home.

From that point on, our time together had more meaning than it had before…until it was no more.

8~ Ownlee Eue

Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?


Yep, it’s my opinion…but, nope.

Yes, I’ve been in love with one and loving the other…but, the in love part is reserved for the person who I believe invades my thoughts when the other person is in my space.

When I was “in love” with my ex of 8 1/2yrs…I realized part-way that I was still in love with my first. I didn’t get over the 1st until I’d shaken the feelings of the dude I was with for most of my 20’s. What I’ve learned is that in retrospect is when things become clearest. If I had to undoubtedly state whom I was in love with between the two…it would be the 1st love. Dude of 8 1/2yrs, was my first “real” relationship (where the conditions of our union were conducive to a standard relationship…ie. no hiding). He was the one who showed me responsibility, and not just love. He was in love with me…but, I was still holding onto the 1st.

This question connects to the previous question about having been deeply in love. I honestly feel that I loved Mr. 8.5 deeply…because that is how I love…deeply. I deeply love my friends and family. I said that to say…that when I love, it’s ALL in with me. I can’t half-ass love. One foot in this direction…the other in that one. Even when I realized WITHIN my relationships with Mr. 8.5 that I wasn’t in love with him (just his love for me) I still understood that I’d made a commitment and was there until I couldn’t be anymore.

Here’s an extra scenario. This is more honest than I’m even sure I SHOULD be…but here it goes. When I was with my ex, after I began realizing that he wasn’t faithful…I allowed myself to be emotionally drawn into an affair with someone married. He told me that he felt he was in love with his wife and me. I told him that I believed he was in love with the PARTS of me that his wife had either lost along the way…or never possessed. To that end…I think we’re in love with the tidbits of different lovers. I’m not quite sure that once we put them all together that there’s as much as a struggle as we think. I think we often get scared of the potential hurts and when given two people we care so much about, we hold onto those two people for emotional security. That married dude couldn’t have been in love with me AND his wife…no more than I was in love with him AND the man I was loving at the time. We were each other’s comfort when we were dissatisfied and found in one another the romanticized version of love.

Take my favorite Romantic movie…The Notebook. When Allie was reunited with her “true love”…she had already committed to marrying someone else. In the wake of believing that she and her true love had no chance…she opened herself up to someone new…and fell for him. When she saw her true boo again, all those feelings came flooding back, mixed with the anger of what she THOUGHT was abandonment and the reality that she’s still in love with him. Even when she broke off with her fiance…she said, “I already know I should be with you”. Not because he was “the one”, but because the relationship made the most sense on paper. It was the one her parents approved of and the one that helped her move past some of the hurt and disappointment of the first.

If we learned to let go of the past…we might find that some of these things would become more clear in the moment instead of needing hindsight to see where we were at one point in our lives. I wanna fine tune the NOW!

Okay…that was a lengthy explanation. I guess this one really strikes a chord. I’m done…whatever. Let’s Jam!!

7~ Deep As A Puddle

Have you ever been deeply in love? Explain

Yes…and no.

I was deeply in love with my first. The kind of love that could close out the other people in a crowded room. Often, people would disperse slowly to our oblivion and we’d find ourselves alone in a room loud with our stares and smiles. (I wonder if he remembers that the way I do) Either way, we were a synchronized rhythm of learning, giggles and touch…and I felt like I’d always be in love with him…

I was deeply in love with my ex of 8 1/2 yrs. The one with whom I had an abusive relationship. In the beginning and at the end…things were the most tender. The way he wouldn’t let go at night while we slept and how I awoke often to him staring at me (not as creepy as it sounds). How he’d kiss me awake…and take care of me when I was sick. We laughed at almost everything and honestly, we had a very psychic relationship. I have stories of him hearing my thoughts and him SWEARING I was talking when I knew I hadn’t opened my mouth. I was in love, until I realized that love doesn’t hurt…

I was deeply in love with the radio dude. His voice was medicine for whatever ailed me and I just knew that his love would always be there. Silly as hell…we laughed many a night away when our asses should’ve been asleep. He challenged me to grow past my self-induced lines and fears. Mainly due to him, I became less shy and eventually had my own short-lived show online. Our decidedly different views on life, love, family and friendship…always seemed to come together. He the wings, me the anchor…and often switching roles when necessary. Younger than me chronologically…I often felt like he was older, hence my name for him “Papa Pea”(see, two peas in a  pod). I was in love…until I realized that love don’t lie.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been deepest in love with them all for different reasons. They all represented different phases of my spiritual understanding. I was in love for the first time, the worst time and the most recent time…with all I had. I’ve never given less.  Some might say that I couldn’t have been deeply in love so many times…but, I believe that my blessing to love others is the most beautiful and deepest thing about me…

6~ I Love Thee…Truly

What is your idea of true love?

Well…how in the hell do I ask a question that I’m stumped on my damn self? *quizzical face*

Okay, let me just start typing what I’m thinking…

I’ll start with my favorite passage known as the “Love Passage”.

1 If I speak in the tongues<sup class="footnote" style="line-height: 0.5em; vertical-align: text-top;" value="[a]”>[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,<sup class="footnote" style="line-height: 0.5em; vertical-align: text-top;" value="[b]”>[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13 ~ NIV (BibleGateway.com)

The thing about love for me is that I’m convinced that most people who speak of it have a very minuscule version of what love is in their mind. It’s mostly conceptions given to them through example of their most intimate environment, society and/or Hollywood, or a disillusioned vision of it based on what they’ve never experienced.

Some people’s love is rooted in lust, desperation, loneliness, appearances, fears, etc. I tend to lean toward the kind of love expressed in this passage. If you asked me what it is I want in a true love relationship, I’ll say again…refer to this passage. There’s another little quote that speaks to me by Dinah Craik…

“Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

That is all.

5~ If You’re A Bird…I’m A Bird…

Favorite Romantic Movie

The Notebook…

I could’ve said, “Love Jones”…because honestly, that movie rocks and one of the key lines in that movie that speak to me is, “I love you…and that’s urgent like a mothafucka!”. I mean, in the day and age of excuses upon reasons upon alibis, upon treasons for why one cannot commit…it sounds good coming out of a man’s mouth that love is about urgency…even if it’s just a line in a movie. I loved me some Darius and Nina…because they spoke to me as a couple who were both so artistic and bonded off of those passionate stanzas and camera clicks. I could’ve chosen them…

Or “Titanic” with it’s epic romance of obligatory relationships, love-at-first-sight whims, artistic interludes and music that could pluck the heart strings of even the coldest heart. I loved Jack and Rose…and how he showed her that she could let go and be free…to answer the call of her heart without compromise. How to live for herself and not others…how to be okay with not having the world in material possessions…to have the world in her soul. Yea…I love them, too.

I could’ve picked, “Love and Basketball”. Love one on one. “I’ll play you for your heart…” MAN…I love that movie. Quincy and Monica…balling it out…and sometimes bawling it out in the name of love…oh, and basketball. lol. Yet another story that spoke to my love of love spanning from era to era. Young puppy love, high school love (at first unrequited), college sweethearts…and then going their separate ways. That moment, when you’re in the middle of doing that thing that the two of you did together and wondering why you’re doing it, now that you’re apart. Could’ve picked them easily…

I could’ve chosen those (amongst countless others that have had me snotting as I lived vicariously through the lead couple’s ups and downs, realizations and sometimes not-so-fairytale endings) but, the one that had the most range of love and emotions was, “The Notebook”.

God, I could’ve been Allie. At one point in the movie…she’s being asked what SHE wants and all she can think about is who she’ll hurt. I could’ve been NOAH for goodness sakes…pining away for a lost love. Having that gaping void that no one could occupy but the one who made you freer than you ever thought you could be.

I loved how he courted her…persistent, with all he had, big sweeping gestures…but then reinforcing them with the most tender moments. (I smile as I write) I loved how he wrote her a letter everyday for a year…that is fucking DEDICATION! Here he is, this young dude…could have any local chick and he’s penning love notes for his lady…EVERYDAY for a YEAR! Man, folks can’t even be consistent and CALL a bish everyday for a MONTH…and you have this cat using up the ink in his inkwell…messing up good paper (expensive as hell back then) to write someone who may never (and almost didn’t ever) see them. Noah even renovated the house that they both dreamed would be their home. He did this even though he hadn’t laid eyes on her in several years since their tragic break up. Even when they weren’t together…he was living for her love. ~sigh~

Yet, the love that rounds it out the most…is the spin on the story that begins the whole movie. Noah as an old man…living in a nursing facility (though he doesn’t have to) to tend to an ailing older Allie who is now suffering from dementia.

This dude is sitting there…DAILY, re-reading a book of their love story…JUST so he can capture a glimpse of the woman he remembers. The woman who remembers HIM. Imagine…loving someone SO much, that you cant and won’t let go in your heart. You pursued them until you couldn’t anymore…and then when given an opportunity, you seized it and was always willing to let them go if it was what THEY needed to do…loving someone enough to let them go. That hurts more than being let go or letting go because you felt they weren’t the one. To have a chance to get right what went wrong is beautiful…it ain’t everyone’s story…but, it’s a hell of a love story nonetheless.

Yea…The Notebook was and is a classic romantic movie for me. If it came on now (no commercial interruptions) I’d watch. I cannot watch that movie on network TV. It kills the flow. I must watch without any scenes being edited for a 2hr time slot. A story of epic proportions…spanning from sweetheart love to “the end of time” love. Everything I’ve ever thought love could be.

“Say, I’m a bird…”
“You’re a bird! …”
“Now say you’re a bird…”
“If you’re a bird…I’m a bird”


Chrisette Michelle’s “Notebook”…not from the soundtrack of course…but apropos nonetheless 😉

4~ Prince of Poetry

My Favorite Love song…
Well, if you read my 1st question’s answer…this should come as no surprise. I’ve written a short prose to speak what it means to me…and then took the liberty of highlighting the parts of the song that break me down…every time.
I love this song…
reminds me of the first time…
every time
lyrics so illustrious
full of metaphor
extremist expression and intent…
it felt like Prince
wrote this with me in mind
for the day
when my first time
would arrive…
slow lulling melodies
keys of percussion
a deep heartbeat
disguised as drums
a man
professing how in love he is
using poetry
upon notes
and wails of sweet serenade
to display the mere
of his affections
his unwillingness to go away
the truth
he’ll do whatever
to keep forever
my FAVORITE song
of all time…

Until the end of time I'll be there for you
You own my heart and mind - I truly adore you
If God one day struck me blind
Your beauty I'd still see (your beauty I'd still see)
Love's too weak to define - Just what you mean to me
From the first moment I saw you
Ooh, I knew you where the one
That night I had to call you
I was rappin' till the sun came up
Tellin' you just how fine you look
In a word, you were sex
All of my cool attitude you took

My body was next - you made love to me
Like you where afraid Was you afraid of me?
Was I the first? Was I your every fantasy?

That's why
Until the end of time I'll be there for you
You own my heart and mind
I truly adore you
If God one day struck me blind
Your beauty I'd still see
Love's to weak to define
Just what you mean to me
When we be makin' love
I only hear the sounds
Heavenly angels cryin' up above
Tears of joy pourin' down on us
They know we need each other
They know you are my fix
I know, that you know I ain't cheatin' baby
They know this is serious
I ain't funkin' just for kicks, no
This condition I got is crucial, ahh crucial baby
You could say that I'm a terminal case
You could burn up my clothes
Smash up my ride, (well maybe not the ride)
But I got to have your face
All up in the place
I'd like to think that I'm a man with exquisite taste
(I'm a man I'm exquisite)
A hundred percent Italian silk imported Egyptian lace
Nothin' baby, I said nothin' baby could compare
(Nothin could compare) to your lovely face (to your lovely face)
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you this evening?
I'm tryin', tryin' to say
I'm just tryin' to say
That until, until the end of time

I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
You own my heart, own my mind (darling u)
I truly adore you (darlin')
You don't know what you mean to me
Girl, (until the end of time)
Girl, (I'll be there for you)
Girl you, (you own my heart and mind)
'Til the end of time I'll be there for you
(I truly adore you)
Adore you (adore you)
Can I talk to you? {{chorus repeated in background}}
Tell you what you mean to me
Every time you wander
I'll be your eyes so you can see
I wanna show you things
That I show no other, I wanna be
More than, more than your mother
More than your brother
I wanna be (like no) like no other
If you need me, I'll never leave
I know, that you know, without you there is no me
There is no me
Without you there is no sea
There is no shore
Love is to weak to define how much I adore

You, child
You, child
The last words you hear The last words you hear
(Until the end of time)
I'll be there for you, baby

(Until the end of time)
Be with me darlin' til the end of time (until the end of time)
I'll give you my heart - I'll give you my mind
I'll give you my body (until the end of time)
I'll give you my time (until the end of time)
(Until the end of time)
For all time I am with you
You are with me
(Until the end of time)
You are with me, you are with me

3~ The One Who Wasn’t

…he named me.

Last/Most Recent Love…what they meant/mean to you…

~deep sigh~

Well, the bottom line is that I THOUGHT he was the one, but he wasn’t. Duh…isn’t that almost always the case after we’ve broken up with someone and moved on? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

I met him on a social site and maintained a VERY long distance “relationship” for about 2 1/2 years. Never meeting…never consummating the love…always waiting. He swept in at first…a confidante. Eventually, a bond sparked and we were up all night talking and laughing until we fell asleep. (Eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t the only one he did these things with). He was good…

In spite of the things I found out about that brought our time to a close…he taught me some things. He was someone who helped me come out of my shell. He helped me be less fearful and more open to showing people who I am. His charms, concern and humor made me want more of him. The dude had a dynamic and addictive personality…but, I often in the end found myself wondering how much of him was the real him and not the persona he wanted to put forward. He always said that people sent their “representatives” on dates and in the beginning of relationships…and now, I see he was talking about himself.

Marriage was proposed, a powerful life of love was promised…but ultimately it became wisps in the wind. I often times wished he would’ve just asked to be my friend and not perpetrate a relationship that he wasn’t capable of at the time. I wanted to marry him, have a kid or two with him and show him that love didn’t suck like pro hoes. Yet, he showed ME that procrastination and secrets are the killer of dreams and time’s potential.

I sometimes wonder if he and I will ever have the conversation I believe we need to have. That convo that is honest and raw, uncut and truthful, lacking in fear of rejection and without blame. I could’ve lived (and have) with his not wanting me. Hey, to each his own right? What I COULDN’T deal with is being led down a path of delusion and exclusion (of his real life and intentions). He could’ve spared me that heart break. His actions cut deep.

All I know…is that I loved him more than anyone I’ve laid eyes on. Crazy right? Not so much. I believe that how people in LD relationships connect is as real a way to connect as meeting in person. There are little to no hang-ups about physicality. Getting trapped off by lustful yearnings because of what one looks like is a top misleading way people confuse love with other things. I am not ashamed that I loved him in this way. What I wish, is that before I’d given my heart, emailed it and sealed it with an e-kiss…that he would’ve told me that I wasn’t the one…