The Elephant In The Room

I’m walking out of Dunkin Donuts…coffee in hand…

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone…eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him…he ogles her…he doesn’t see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn’t see him anymore than he saw me…and in my head I’m thinking, “Damn shame.”

Why? Well it’s because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick’s mug and she’s paying him no mind…and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn’t see her.

Mind you, I’m simply an observer. I see a lot…I won’t say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don’t. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that’s not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it’s been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I’ve got good reason to believe that I’ve been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn’t matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is…he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim…no pun intended. It’s kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning…

okay, I’m confused about a few things. now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about that out of the box thinking. I’m sure this one has been explained before, but I still don’t get it.

here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, “he can’t keep a woman?!” o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done…he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one.” ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I’m saying. Men aren’t ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We’re pressed to find ways to “keep a man”. Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an “independent woman whose got her own”, a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse…you get it. We’ve got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM…even if he’s lacking in several of these departments  himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they’ll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn’t see that dude in DD…but, does he really care? I mean, chances are…that he’ll have 8 more options…and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options…that’s the way it is. Imagine the plight of the “big girl”.  If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women…and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I’ve seen the topic debated numerous times…how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I’m so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you’d be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it’s selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other…loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it’s the preliminaries…it’s the visual that leads the way. It’s sad that in this society a sub par man with “okay” aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too…she doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man’s issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman’s preference to be with whomever they want…but, when you’re not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they’re looking at the other person’s frame as a  deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN’T dreamed of. As a matter of fact…they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye…into my soul…and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured…before someone decides that I’m worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body…gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don’t. I’m a whole lotta woman…more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can’t be the impetus for someone’s life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though…

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20’s. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn’t much different. I’d triumphed over mine…I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want…I’d just hope that while wanting what you want…you reflect your desires. Be what you want…otherwise, you’re just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

5 thoughts on “The Elephant In The Room

  1. Hey Sis! Sorry it's taken me so long to come over to the Kaleidoscope! It's super dope over here. Love the post.

    Let me begin by saying that the stigmas go beyond big girl vs slim girl. It goes from light, bright, damn near white to the brown to dark girl. It's bad all over the place. In those cases, just as in yours, the dude gets his choice(s) – each and every time. They are the ones to determine who is worthy of their looks/their time. NEVER ceases to amaze me.

    I wrote a post a few weeks ago on my blog about the very thing. I've lived it being the “brown” girl…plenty.

    “A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple…” that's what fucks us up all the way. Women will take what they can get because they think he is all they can get. It's a damn shame really because I've seen women bow down and settle “down” all for the sake of saying they have a man – even when that man is community property! hello!

  2. I absolutely do know that the stigmas far reach outside of the body type. I experience a lot of different things. The light/dark thing. The smart/average thing. The long hair/short hair, natural/permed thing…it's endless.

    Thanks for making it…never too late 😉

  3. I will beat this into my head until I get it and stick with it… no more boxes for me!!!!. I'm too fabulous to be stuck in a dark, damp box that is hiding all that I have to offer.

    I will fight against the urge to get into the boxes this society creates every hour on the hour. Who could keep up anyway?! What is beauty? What is marriage material? What is a good woman? changes every single day! I love the freedom on the outside and that is where I want to stay.

    Being with some of these dudes is like applying for a job. You seriously have to wait until he measures you up until he figures out if he wants to be bothered. HA! Not the girl! I can't wait! I can't be caught! Not trying to keep anything… well, maybe my 9-5 and that's about it..LOL I'm so not into volunteer work. You do all this work in an attempt to “keep” him and there is no return on your investment. Just a spoiled dude sitting there content in his emasculation. LOL

    Oh, and my weight! It stays with me. I've grown to love it. My unique shape, my unique lumps and stretch marks. It's all me baby! I don't want to look like anyone else. For like the first time I'm enjoying me without the stress of trying to be what society or he wants me to be. Loving it!

    And if he doesn't want to get with it.. so be it..because honey… all this right here is a playground..LOL Love this blog! Love you, sis!

  4. BE, I hear ya…it's getting to a point in my life that I'm thinking, “hmmm…God…am I meant to be single?” and just doing away with the idea of being part of a couple. It's too much work to invest when nowadays, people throw your love around and away like old cans.

    I'm good…

  5. I can definitely relate to all that you are saying–it reminds me of a post I wrote in the past about the one always being there for one of my male friends but doesn't get seen until his “ideal ones” do him dirty. I didn't want to be second pickens in this scenario…and not when it comes to my proportions as well.

    Let the church say “Amen”

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