…because you’ve tried living without it.
::tapping chin with fake nail::
I am trying really hard here. I don’t know what it is…is it Pepsi? I’ve DEFINITELY tried living without it and always find myself coming back to it. I’ve never TRIED living without cheese…so that’s a no. Sex? Well, I’ve done well so far…lol
Maybe it’s the Internet…I go away, but it just keeps calling me. LOL…but even that is sort of a necessity in this day and age. Everything, including job searches and daily life tasks are Internet-bound.
I wanna say LOVE…but, one…that’s corny. LOL B)…I’ve never tried living without it…because I AM love (okay…THAT was corny) LOL
People who have gone (who although I may miss) can be hard to live without at first…but I manage. My cell? Hmmm…that lil mofo is like the best crack known to man. If I leave my phone behind for any reason, my mind scrambles and I think of all the people who may call in it’s absence…even the ones who may not have called in years. haha!
Well, I guess these things come as close as I’m gonna get…at least at 4:22am in the damn morning. I’m going to bed. I’ve got less than 3 1/2hrs to go before rise and shine.
I cannot say that I’ve had a hero.
When I was younger…I thought the sun rose and set on Whitney Houston’s ass. Her voice was phenomenal and I learned all of her songs by heart and hit every not she did. When she began her downward spiral into drugs and public humiliation…I didn’t feel “let down”…I felt badly for her and prayed.
I’ve never put stock into one human being like that. I can’t call it…but, for me the heroes of the world were the teachers and such. To that end, my teacher Mrs. Brown, who taught me in 5th & 6th grade (it was a Gifted Program [Intermediate Humanities as it was called] that I stayed in for two years) …MIGHT be considered my hero at one time or another. Still, I can recall no one who I lauded in a heroic way and then felt let down by.
Maybe I’m lucky in that way…*shrugs*
…gotten me through some TOUGH ass days.
I don’t know.
I wanted to say, my looks…but that’s not true. People DO tell me that I’m very cute, pretty, beautiful…and even the occasional gorgeous.
I think dudes say I’m sexy…sometimes. lol
I’ve already covered the smarts…
People say I’m nice…
A good person…
OH…I got it!
I never get told…”Kali, you’re shape is FIYAH!” lmao I’m just sayin’ y’all…it’s true. No one appreciates the rolls, flat booty and thunder thighs (well…a few have appreciated the thighs…but, IJS) lmao…the booty…well, that changes in the bent position. Everyone’s got a booty bending over. LOL
Look!! Don’t eye me like that. I couldn’t think of anything and I’ve got 3 damn minutes to post this shit. lol
*batting eyelashes* LOL
I suppose that would be, “You’re so smart, Kali…”
I’m a smart chick. So what. I DO love learning and spreading the knowledge, but it’s the typical geek compliment to me. “You’re so smart…” “…well-spoken”…meow meow meow. It’s Aaaalllll God’s doing. He made me a smarty pants. I absorb, retain and do my best to apply what I learn. I’ve had my head in books since I was 3 and 4 and could read, write (in cursive as well), identify a rainbow of colors, count far beyond the scope of expectancy…all before entering kindergarten. “Look it Up” should be my middle name, since that’s what my mother has been saying to me since she knew I could read.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate the compliment…but, damn…can someone tell a chick she FINE for once? LOL
I guess that’s the NEXT truth, huh?
…or wish I didn’t know.
This is going to be a short blog. Who needed to be let go has been let go. I don’t ever wish I didn’t know anyone. Everyone I’ve met has played a part…however large or infinitesimal their part was. These bits and pieces of personalities I’ve met, have shaped me into who I am.
I regret no one.
As of this moment…no one in my life is going anywhere. One day at a time.
…but, we just drifted.
This truth blog is taking it out of me. Not in a negative way…but in a “let me get this shit out” kinda way. I’ve been spilling the beans like a clumsy chef and I like it. 🙂
There are a few people who fit this description.
It’s hard…VERY hard, when you’re bonded in a unique way. In a way that makes you question how in the world this person embodies the capacity to tap into you…understand you and be present in thought, heart and soul even when they’re physically or geographically apart from you. I’ve had a couple of people who came into my life over the past few years who made indelible impressions on my heart. One was a woman who I met online AND had the chance to meet. Misunderstandings wandered between us in slow motion the way invisible walls spring up from undetectable boundaries. You never know exactly when and where they do…but, something comes into play and shakes the foundation of your bond causing a chasm. Only recently have she and I begun mending fences. I can’t speak for her, but when we broke ties…it was almost as bad as breaking up with a boyfriend. It’s almost worse. When you let someone into your spiritual family and something (especially something that turned out to be the most trivial thing) knocks you down…it’s hard to let go. I don’t know what I see for she and I…but, I’m always open to healing wounds.
The other person? Well, he was the guy I spoke of in my previous truth. He was the one who “treated me like shit”. *still not sure how I feel about the harshness of that*
Before he and I got to a point where we were holding on for the sake of holding on…there was this person who extended concern to me that I wasn’t used to. The daily checks in. The way he needed to find the silliest ways to say the most heartfelt things. Cheering me up through laughter, feigning jealousy, speaking to me in his old man voice, calling me while I slept to say things he didn’t think I heard. It all was this beautiful symphony of idiosyncrasies that sang a sonnet of his songs to my poetic heart…until I found out this is what “he does”. I like to say……that finding out his words echoed in the ears of other women…is simply the way he communicates. I think he seriously doesn’t see anything wrong with extending the same sense of “concern” to more than one person. I mean, the shit works. LOL I reasoned that the way he breathes concern into your day from afar is just the way he does it because…well…you’re far. The other part of me feels like the cookie-cutter shenanigans are now memories that are more bitter than sweet, because they never belonged solely to me. Eventually, we drifted like driftwood…miles further than where we started, water-logged from being submerged in salty waters. Dried from the beaten sun…lonely from the disorientation of not knowing what’s next.
The third person…was my friend since childhood. We grew up in the same building and became fast friends. After almost two decades of friendship…we let it go. For me (because I can’t speak for her) it in my opinion was due to the fact that…she never seemed to appreciate my friendship. Our last heated exchange, left her saying hurtful words to me that I didn’t know she was capable of. I’d been there for her in her darkest hours…and not for nothing…she’d been there through mine. I just got tired of her making light of my friendship and making it all about her. Her most detrimental mistake? Looking down her nose at me…pitying my situation. Don’t EVER…EVER, look down at me with tunneled vision. EVER!! Not even in my darkest moments have I ever pitied myself. I’ve felt a little low to the ground, yes…but, I never looked at myself as someone who needed to be pitied and given charity friendship. I’m VERY present in my friendships and relationships. I participate like one of the starting five off of a championship team. I give my all and take that shit to the hoop like my career depends on it…so, that was it for me. I love her like a sister to this day…but some shit I’ll never forget.
Didn’t want to let go…it just happened.
…or treated me like shit?
HA! LOL…::excuse me why I chuckle some::
I am not comfortable saying that someone “made my life hell” or “treated me like shit”. For that reason, I may have subconsciously beat around this blog’s bush. I feel like I’d be giving someone power to take my peace of heaven (my mind) away…or consider me nothing (like shit). Yet, I guess…that’s what it was, huh?
Well, since it was stated in two parts (made my life hell and treated me like shit), I’mma shout out the two people who managed to make the team…TEAM FUCKME!
Who made my life hell?
For 8 1/2yrs I lived with someone. I wrote about the abuse in my blog for domestic violence. My ex, managed to abuse me mentally, emotionally and verbally where his physical attempts failed. Some of the moments that were intensely hellish?
- Doing a vaginal check to make sure I didn’t smell like another man (YES, man…)
- Star 69’ing my phone calls to make sure I wasn’t calling another man (he always got my family)
- Forcing sex
- Embarrassing me in public with controlling and compulsive behavior (ie. the time we were ousted from a movie theater for his paranoid belief that a couple was staring and laughing at us. We were the only couples in the theater. He kept talking shit loudly until security asked us to leave. They gave us our money back and we left…yea, he was on some shit)
- Harassing my female friends via phone
- Projecting his own insecurities onto me about weight, style of dress, our age difference (he was 22yrs older than me)
The list is very long…that’s just the tip of the blue hell iceberg. I stopped…well, because to delve any further is to go places I’ve promised myself I need not revisit for the sake of peace of mind.
Who treated me like shit?
My ex of 2 1/2yrs…kinda
I say kinda, because for what it’s worth…there was no physical abuse, there was no verbal disparaging, there wasn’t an ounce of displayed disrespect. All that he did, he did behind my back and thought I didn’t know. Some things were evident and most were not.
His treatment of me was more on the level of a mental game he liked to play. Yes, this too is abuse. No excuses. With this guy, his manipulations and lies were more subtle and borderline cruel in their conception. Whenever you promise marriage, children, a life…to a woman with no intent to follow-through, but systematically reinforces his love with tender concern, daily attention (from a distance no less)…that is a sense of torture. The fucked up thing is…that in spite of my awareness of this shit, I attempted to cape myself Cap’n Save-A-Sucka. Thinking somehow what a lot of us women think…that we can give them the love they seemingly need to be better. It doesn’t work. If a person’s intent is to be dubious, then your love will never seem genuine to them. You know why? It’s because when someone is doing dirt…they project their shit onto you. “How can she love me…when I don’t love her?” He may even ask if he deserves this “love”…that is…if he beholds a conscience.
There ya go. Day 8. Bring on the next 22 days…
No, it’s not megalomania or anything of the sort. I’ve been through some things that have taught me that life deserves to be lived…and more so for myself than any other external reason.
Living for anyone or anything else is a fair-weather approach. The moment that “thing” or person isn’t inspiring enough, around anymore or has lost your interest…the will to live diminishes? No way. If I live for me…well, for God’s purpose…then I’m showing appreciation for the breath given ME. I’d consider it quite insulting to God that one might lose the will to live because someone left or something faded. Did He not put as much breath, energy and divine purposing into me as He did others? Absolutely.
This is big…because I USED to be the one who was the consummate care-taker. I was always giving and finding reasons why people needed me in order to prolong relationships and friendships. The truth is I needed them to need me. Without them leaning on me and validating my love…I felt lost. What I’ve learned is that God needs me. He needs me present in the life He’s fashioning for me every moment I awake.
Living for ME is worth it. (Did I sound like a Loreal commercial?) LOL
Well, I already buried my grandmother…and even though the little grand-baby in me doesn’t want to face it, there is a strong possibility that in the future I will say goodbye to another.
I don’t want to have to bury either of parents…but, such is the cycle of life that we’re supposed to bury our parents…I fear this with every ounce of me.
I can’t imagine being parent-less. I can’t imagine talking to doctors and making life-changing decisions concerning my mother or father. I don’t want to arrange a funeral/memorial. I don’t want to look down at their “earth suits” and have to remember them instead of HAVE them.
I don’t want to bury not NARE ‘nother family member or friend!
YES…YES, I GET IT! I knoooow! I KNOOOW!!!!! I know that’s not realistic. ::pause for a sob::
Shit happens. Life ends. I just can’t lose another person right now or no time soon. I know it’s selfish, but I’d rather it be me than anyone I cherish. I’m not saying my life is less important…but, everyone I know has a child or a dependent of some kind…they’re needed. I am childless and though I know my family and friends love me…need me, even…my logic is that they’ll miss me, but not as much as the most significant people in their lives…like their babies. Their mates.
I know, the logic is screwy…but, I’m a punk when it comes to this. Maybe this is the grief talking. It’ll be a year on March 2nd, 2011 that my grandmother has been gone. Perhaps if this is asked of me a year from now, my perspective will change and become something frivolous. I’d rather it be something else right now…but, it’s the thing I dread the most.
That’s my truth today…