Not Bye…Later

Lately, a once foreign concept has become commonplace in my 2010 year.  There was a time, when the idea of “putting it all out there” for public consumption via blog…was something I shied away from doing. I’m a very private person and only talk to those I feel I can trust. (THAT is becoming a very short list) One of my bigger reasons for having chosen to avoid spilling my guts on blogs, was because I know that sometimes folks aren’t prepared to look up and read about themselves. They can take offense, when seeing their life written. I know that if someone was talking about me in my worst light…or just even my most private one…with no real way to defend myself, or feeling like I HAD to by commenting publicly…I would feel badly. SO, I’ve taken great care up until now…to share with the cyber-world the daily shit factory that has become my life. I know that this may come across eyes that will recognize themselves, but all I can say is…at least it isn’t facetiously written.
I also believed that, if you spat out ALL the things you go through AND with a not-so-nice tone….you run the risk of looking A-Class Jack Ass when you and the source of your rant kiss, make up and are making goo goo faces and playing patty cake…in the SAME damn forum. So, yes…saying what’s been on my mind on HERE has been a last resort. A cathartic release to help me move past the hurts and pains.
This week was bittersweet. While in my new job, I found my groove…exhibiting my skills of organization and efficiency, and winning accolades of my co-workers and supervisors. I LOVE that. I feel  really good right now about my progress. Yet, I lost a couple of friends this week as well. It shouldn’t have happened how it did, but when perceptions and personalities clash…and no one is willing to discuss the issue properly…little can be resolved. I wish that more than anything…it didn’t play out publicly and without clarity to the situation. Nevertheless, I can’t do a thing about that now.  If I’d had my choice, before swift and rash decisions were made to end things without knowing if the reasons were factual…I would’ve sat on it for a while longer. Not commit to actions that couldn’t be taken back…because guess what? Even if you delete/block someone, the damage is done already. You’ve already drawn attention to the tension. Giving folks a front row seat to the fiasco. Facebook isn’t where I saw these connections ending, but God knows that I am not for being made to look a fool on the word of someone else who doesn’t have all the facts. Deletion, was simply a way to assert my position of not allowing for anyone to fence me OUT and still keep me hanging…but, of course…I’m looked at as the bad guy. 
I’m sure there will be a great divide of mutual friends…people deciding before knowing, whose right and wrong. No status of 140 characters could elaborate the true reason for the estrangement, but I’ve ALSO decided not to make that a concern of mine. If people are smart, they’ll remain neutral. If not neutral…perhaps true to their allegiances and make a clean break instead of pretending to like me/them. I said this year was about me…and I meant it. I wont have ANYONE diminishing my importance, my feelings, my love…for any reason.
I’ve lost the one I thought I’d marry…I’ve lost a sister-friend, and a person who I thought transcended ANY definition of bond with…but, I wont even say I’ve “lost” anything. What’s truly mine to have cannot be taken away. True relation/friendships aren’t easily broken on words or even hurt feelings…even with time they reconstitute, sometimes stronger. Sometimes, people need space to grow in their own directions…to come back later having become apart what they couldn’t together. We don’t always realize that certain bonds can be crutches and distractions…enabling each other to remain stagnant. So, like butterflies…they go wherever the winds take them…
For them…I pray nothing but beautiful journeys, love in teeming waves, and success of the stellar kind. I love every last one of you…more than you’ll ever know.
1 Corinthians: 13

8 thoughts on “Not Bye…Later

  1. ((((((HUG)))))

    You been through so much and showing so much strength. Love you sis!

    “We don't always realize that certain bonds can be crutches and distractions…enabling each other to remain stagnant. So, like butterflies…they go wherever the winds take them…”

    Truth right there. I'm still in shock with how you've been writing and I love it!

  2. Yea, I'm taking the blog world by storm, son. LOL

    It's a part of my healing process. I refuse to accept defeat from these things. I don't consider myself the “kween of love” for play play. I seriously believe in that…but, that doesn't make me perfect. If we all handled everything perfectly…this world wouldn't be in turmoil. So, I take accountability in how this came to be…I just have to be okay with knowing in my heart the REAL reasons for things and not allow this other stuff to knock the breath out of me.

    Love ya back!

  3. wow! i hung on your every word (as usual)…friends are such a hard thing to lose/give up, but it's also comforting to know that those who leave are making room for those meant to come in..and we can thank God, that if we trust him, he will send us good friends.
    keep being vulnerable kween, it's a beautiful look on you 🙂

  4. Having a relationship play out online is difficult at best. I've seen it several times in the past: and I've had a few online friends go by the wayside. And you're correct in that these people will re-enter your life it was meant to be. In the meantime, love yourself, and pray for them. It wouldn't be right to think bad thoughts about them when you love them. 🙂

  5. @Rain~ Yea, Korky…it's not pretty…and I'm sure if it's meant…things will be made clear to all involved to bring about peace. Until then…yes, I pray for them. Thanks for the love 🙂

  6. ((((((((((((((echoing a bunch of Huggins)))))))))))))))))..

    Kali I hate that this has happened.. Let you said it gives you strength…

    Writing it out… It is a healing process…

    Like you tell me continue to love and pray for those who we have loved and lost…

    Peace and Blessings to you always…

  7. Aw, thanks Mah for the hugs!! **hugging you back**

    I hate that it happened too. Yea, I wrote it for the therapy…but, I pray on all that's true love…that, I don't have to write anything like it anytime soon.

    Yes, I do pray for them. At the heart, I never quit caring for ANYONE, at least not enough to wish them ill.

    ~peace and blessings returned~

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