Sitting here thinking about love. I often contemplate on what love is…when do we know we’re really in love. Opposed to lust, heavy like, intense infatuation or just plain neediness and desperation. Or being obsessed with almost, with the idea of being in a relationship. So, I always question the depths and nature of love. Always wanting to understand what it is people think is love and how they express it.
I had a 1st love. Shawn was my neighbor. He was a shade darker than me. Hazel eyes. Dimples. Keen features. Nice body and a had an even nicer mind. He and I both excelled in grade school. Entering Humanities classes and being above average. We loved music and we we’re quite the jokers. We watched movies together, chilled and talked and as we became adolescents and then young adults, we shared a lot of mutual friends. A lot of folks we knew thought we were siblings…because we grew up calling one another brother and sister. Shawn never wanted to claim me though. He never wanted to admit that he liked me, let alone tell people that we were seeing each other. So of course, we were a secret which meant we saw other people as well. Wasn’t a good look…so after a while, as maturity set in I opted out to go on my own @ age 20.
The next relationship was built out of need and rebellion. I spent almost 9yrs in that. Since then, I’ve fallen for a few people…realizing after a while that I wasn’t in love. That I was merely in love with ideas…concepts…illusions…maybe even LOVE!
Now, here I am. In love again. Wondering if it indeed is true. If I am in love with this person’s personality and positive traits…and not just the idea that there is someone who loves me. I’ve been praying to God to guide me through this situation and make me aware of the things I need to see. I am learning everyday not to put too much stock into the opinions of others, as well. Too many people dont agree with Internet Romance. Deeming it the result of desperate individuals who cannot find love in the real brick and mortar world.
All I ask of God is to allow me the ability to see this for what it is…and I ask of myself the ability to grow from this experience…and bring me that much closer to love.